Exposing our Love

Our outer urgings are a product of our environment, of our influences, and of one's ego. This is what creates thoughts and makes them go unquestioned. The fallacy of this is in how life is lived and how everything seems to be as it appears. The ego creates this and it blocks our ability to love, this is what causes our internal battle. But if our thoughts were questioned and the mind stopped long enough to see this fallacy, our inner essence of love would be exposed as our intuitive essence. This would stop the tug-of-war with our ego and the unquestioned thoughts would never cause us to battle ourselves again.

---author:  a friend of mine and Byron Katie

Making Small Things Special

The process of creating involves some interesting elements.  To be able to create something special or special moments, here are some pointers for doing small things, like chopping onions:

1.  Imagine yourself in a preaceful place, like maybe a garden with lots of greenery, peace and quiet...where you are comfortable.

2.  Be flexible.  It doesn't have to be 100% perfect all the time.  Don't ruin your health or get so stressed out because you want it to be a certain way.  Take your time, don't rush even if it means not finishing the task completely.  Yes, you want it to be special, but not at the risk of losing your health or peace of mind.  You still would have accomplished a good amount, even if it's not all of it.

3.  Be mindful.  Be aware of your self, your movements, what's in front of you.  Let your mind be present in the moment.  Don't worry about what happens next.

4.  Visualize...the steps, how it will look, where you are, and the atmosphere.

5.  Think fun.  How can you have fun with it?  Be playful in your mind.

6.  Feel free.  Imagine that you are totally unencumbered and no one's looking over your shoulder.  You're not afraid of anyone.  You're care free..a free spirit.

7.  Give it time.  Whatever you are doing or planning, think about how much time you would like to have ideally.  Imagine spending that time all by yourself without watching the clock...10 minutes or one hour.  Don't rush.  Enjoy every bit of it.  It's like you're the boss.

8.  Make the task important to you.  This applies to things that are small or mundane.  You're gonna have to do it anyway.  You want to give it your full attention and concentration.  Don't just wing it.  Feel as if you want to create something special.  This will make the task more like fun.  Try cooking a dish your way, or watering the plants with much care.

9.  Whatever it is, do it your way, as opposed to their way.  Don't think trends or society.  You'll be surprised how unique your way is, even if your ideas weren't grand or extraordinary.  Simple thoughts that come from the real you can produce something special and authentic.  You do it for yourself, not others.

Three Mental Health Goals

1.   Don't be a robot, be spontaneous.  You have awareness.  Don't be automatic all the time.

2.   Be mindful.  Stop, look and listen.  Slow down and pay attention to what's in front of you.  Be aware of the self.

3.   Practice positive reinforcement.  Jog your memory for times when something small but good happened.  For example, when something went right just as planned, or when you blurted out something nice, or when you felt at peace watching the swaying of the tree on a clear day.  Relish the moments.

This is how you re-wire your brain.

No Matter Where You Are in Life

No matter where you are or no matter what stage you are at, life is teaching you something about life.

I have been unemployed for a long time...and it is a hard pill to swallow.  It seems like I have no identity unless I have a job.  But after a while, I realized that life was painting a different picture for me.  I used to wake up to the thought that my life was over...that I had nothing...that I was no good.  But having learned about mindfulness in the past, I started to reflect on the situation. There's no train to catch.  Now what?

After examining my thoughts and feelings surrounding the new life I was given, I started to notice things I didn't pay attention to when I was working.  When I was working, I was always rushing and worried about bills, deadlines, job performance, getting a raise, never having enough time for everything I thought I had to do and always afraid of what people would think of me if I made a mistake or if I failed in something.

But now, I have time to prepare breakfast mindfully and sit down at the table thinking only about what's in front of me.  I am learning something new...like being in school, in a different school.  I would go to the kitchen and I notice what a good kitchen it is.  I would look out and see the hustle and bustle outside the window.  I noticed that was good...no problem here.  While eating breakfast, I feel that the nourishment was preparing me for the day. Life is teaching me something precious, which I wouldn't have learned otherwise, if I had a 9 to 5 job.

This new school is teaching me that life is better, in a way, when you are mindful and not rushing so much, afraid of being late or failing.  I have at lot less money, but that's good because I am learning new and wonderful ways of spending and satisfying myself...making do with what I have.  Now, that's a different place from thinking you do not have enough.  There is no problem.  Only the truth to be learned.  I am happy with anticipation of creating a different reality for me that is sweet and dare I say...blessed.

Whatever life is teaching you at a particular moment or experience, don't take it forgranted.  Listen, observe, contemplate.  It's giving you the key that will unlock your potential and your happiness.

The Negative Mind

The mind is usually full of negative thoughts, because as human beings, we tend to pay attention to the negative thoughts or situation, rather than on the positive.  We put so much importance on a negative situation, and minimize what's positive or even healthy for us,  We don't focus on the positive because we have been conditioned to minimize the value of a sunny day, a nice short walk, warm gloves, cozy pajamas or heat from the radiator.  We have been conditioned to think that what's important are things that make us look successful or look good in the eyes of others.

What are negative thoughts?  These are thoughts that make you suffer.  Any time you are thinking any of the following thoughts, your mind is on the negative:

For example:

• It shouldn't be raining.
• My shoes are too tight.
• Nobody loves me.
• I need to be loved by someone.
• I need to feel important.

Thoughts like these cause discomfort and sometimes illnesses.  If you have a back ache or any body ache, for sure you are focusing on a negative thought.   They also cause problems in relationships, because you cannot really connect positively if you are in pain.  Negative thoughts cause physical and mental pain, so be aware, because it may not be obvious to you what the that thought is.

My 2015 Plan

Hello dear friends, I wish all of you a very Happy and Healthy New Year.

I just want to share with you some of my New Year's resolutions.  Basically, I want to keep it simple for 2015...no big projects or ideas of success.  I think these will be doable.

• I'll try not to be a robot.

•  When I fold my clothes after washing, I want to notice the collars and the sleeves and the hem.

• I want to appreciate Art by:
• maybe going to galleries
• surfing art blogs
• listening to artists being interviewed

•  I want to be different, authentic

• I want to practice "building"...whether it be muscles, character, a business, or a cake; setting a good foundation to make whatever it is...strong

• I want to appreciate the simple things during the cold weather, such as:
• a very warm scarf
• a heater that is steaming
• the sun shining so brightly in the living room
• Japanese Art

May 2015 run smoothly; may there be less bumps on the road; may we all find beauty and happiness from the simple things in life.

Benefits of a Quiet Mind

The best way for me to clear the mind is to question our thinking.  If you have a thought about a situation that is making you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself if the thought is true and if the thought is absolutely true.  Go to thework.com to learn about inquiry from my teacher, Byron Katie.

The benefits of a Quiet Mind are:

• you can remain calm even if there's a stressful situation
• you can be present in the moment
• you can enjoy the moment
• you can focus on the now
• your relationships will be healthier
• your communication will be clearer and authentic
• you can solve problems objectively
• you can be creative

Finding Yourself

You can't be happy until you can be yourself, alone or with others.  To find the real you, do inquiry.  Question your thoughts and beliefs.  The thought could be as simple as "my shoes are tight," "it shouldn't rain."  Or, it could be more intense, such as "people should love me," or "people should like me," or "I should know."  When you think about it, these thoughts or beliefs are quite unrealistic and untrue.  You can't really control people, much less the weather -- so why should you expect cooperation from them?  One by one, question those thoughts that make you suffer.  Then the real you will emerge from a clear mind.  No more baggage.  You'll know it's the real you because it feels good when you express authentically, and you'll be able to enjoy meditation.  This is happiness.

Finding the Moment of Awareness

Finding the Moment is a great exercise to create awareness to the self and allows you to be present instead of focusing on the past or future.  The present is the here and now.  This moment is precious.

Wherever you are right now, focus on your breath and be still for just a moment.  Find your moment and then...

Ask yourself...in this order...in this moment

1.  Where am I?  Then look around you for a moment and notice your surrounding and feel the ground beneath your feet.  Are you in the kitchen, in bed, in the lobby, on the train?

2.  What am I doing?  Sitting? Standing?  Lying down?  Hear the quietness.

3.  What do I notice?  Ex. the sound of the radiator, the humming of the birds, the noise outside, people talking, stacks of paper, etc.  Just take it all in, while remaining still.

4.  How do I feel in this moment?  Notice if you are comfortable or not.  Are you worried about something?  Are you stressed?  Do you feel good?  .... in this moment, in the stillness...

5.  What can I be thankful for in this moment, in this stillness?  Thank you that the heater is giving heat?  Thank you for my warm sweater?  Thank you for the softness of the sheets?  Thank you for my tablet?  Thank you for the money in my wallet...I can buy things with it?  Think of anything at this moment.

This exercise will help slow down the thought process and make you aware of things you otherwise would not notice if you were being robotic or in a rush or chasing after something.  This is also a good way to relax and to stop and take it all in, for a moment.

Namaste.

"Should" Overload

Depression is the result of what I call a SHOULD overload in the brain.  When the mind is overloaded with should statements, the person's system shuts down and the person, thus, can no longer function.

SHOULD statements:
1.  I should be loved.
2.  I should be liked.
3.  I should be successful.
4.  I should have lots of friends.
5.  I should have a man/woman.
6.  I should have more money.
7.  I should look good.
8.  I should be a good person.
9.  I should be perfect.
10. I should do everything right.
11. I should be healthy.
12. ETC.

WHAT TO DO:  Understand the SHOULD statements in your mind by QUESTIONING them one by one.

Is it true that I have to be loved?  Maybe I should love me first before I require others to love me.  Maybe it's not their job to love me.  Why do I need to be loved?  Answer those questions honestly and deeply.  Meditate on the questions.  Write it down.

The Work of Byron Katie has 4 basic questions you can use to do inquiry...best done by writing thoughts and feelings on paper and meditating.

Example:  I SHOULD BE LOVED (by others).

Question 1:  Is it true that YOU SHOULD BE LOVED be others?  yes/no
Question 2:  Are you absolutely sure it is true, that YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  yes/no
Question 3:  How do you react when you believe the thought YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  describe your feelings
Question 4:  Who would you be without the thought YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  imagine that you don't believe the thought

Then turn the statement around to the opposite - I should NOT be loved by others.
then give 3 examples of why that might be true.

Sample of 3 examples of why "I should NOT be loved by others" can be true:
--I should love myself first.
--No one can love perfectly, really.
--Other people might be having difficulties in life that we don't know about.

Do the questioning process for all your should statements so that one by one they will dissolve into thin air.  It will be like a burden is lifted off your shoulders.

Namaste.

Leveraging What You Already Have

In T.D. Jakes' best-selling book Instinct, he talks about heightened awareness of our instinctive pre-wiring.  He says that by changing our inner world we then change our outer world.

Inspired by this book, I made a list of things we already have...our powers, so to speak, that were given to us when we came into this world.  They are:

Reasoning Power
Awareness
Reflection
Thinking
Analysis
Imagination
Expression
Change
Intelligence
Problem-Solving
Creativity
Learning Ability
Growing
Wisdom
Desiring

We were given all these resources or qualities or abilities..., in order that we may negotiate our way through life.  Leverage these resources.  Don't take them foregranted.  They are there at your disposal!

Your Therapist's Style

I have had several therapists since the late 1990s.  I realize now how differently each one of them approached the science of therapy.  Their methods were so far apart.  So get to know, as much as possible, what your therapist's attitude is about therapy.  I had a therapist who hardly spoke back to me.  I realized now that she believed, as I did then, that therapy was just a means to "express" your thoughts and feelings...a way to unload.  On rare occasions, when she felt compelled, she would say something back to me.  I also had a therapist who would act up if I would complain about being depressed.  At first, I thought it was odd and unfair.  I noticed that she was happy when we were just chatting about books or family events.  I realize now that it was her way of helping me get "socialized,"  -- learning how to "chat" with people.  And she never wanted me to focus on the negative, so she kind of kicked my ass when I would start to whine.  It seemed cruel, but I get her point now.  My current therapist is a trauma specialist, so I make sure I take advantage of that fact.  I understand how she usually connects my worries today with my childhood "traumas," and I learn so much from that perspective.  Therapy only works if you know how to take advantage of your sessions.  Know what makes your therapist tic!

Therapy Works from Both Sides of the Coin

Therapy works well if you consider both sides.  It's not just about your story, but the story of the person you are in a relationship with.  If you complain about someone, whether it's a family member, a friend, or a colleague, or even a stranger, you obviously will tell your side of the story.  But the therapist can help you better, if you also give the other person's side of the story.  In most cases, people hurt other people, not on purpose, but because 1) that's the only communication style they know, 2) they misunderstood you, 3) they don't trust other people's intentions, 4) they're very sensitive, etc.  I know people who are very direct when they speak.  They may sound stern and insensitive, but they just don't want to sugarcoat things.  There are also others who always think they are being manipulated.  So they take offense easily with any small thing.  And there are those who are victims of their own upbringing.  They act that way with everybody, so you cannot take them personally.  All this have to be considered by the therapist, so the therapist can make a truth-based analysis of your situation.  If you don't consider the human condition of others, you may be hurting for no good reason.  Help the therapist help you by giving both sides of the story.  For example, if you talk to your therapist about your mother, how she neglected you...don't forget to tell her that she bought you a car when you needed one.

Unemployment and Thinking Outside the Box

If you find yourself unemployed these days, look at it as an opportunity to think outside the box.  All our working lives, we live as slaves of the corporation.  We're afraid of being fired, or we get disgruntled because we are paid so little.  So if you are unemployed right now, rejoice!  It forces you to think outside the box.  Give up the old ways of thinking.  Look around you, observe, brainstorm about ways to make money.  Evaluate your budget.  Do you really need so much money?  If you don't have the latest gadget, are you afraid you will be rejected by your peers?  Are you free?  A lot of our fears are fears of rejection that put us in a box.  Break out of that box.  Think of all the fears that keep you inside the box.  Break out of the box!  Society can reject you for being different or poor, but you can bear it.  In exchange for that rejection is your freedom.  Are you afraid of being homeless?  Are you afraid of begging?  When I lost my job, I felt like my life was over.  I felt like I lost my identity, because my job gave me my self-worth.  But I learned to budget and penny pinch.  I discovered a new joy from being with very little money, but I have my mind for thinking and my heart for creativity. I began to notice my surroundings.  I used to ignore the trees and the flowers.  I used to ignore how much money I already had, compared to nothing.  And I discovered that there's no such thing as nothing.  There is everything in my life...I just didn't focus on them because my mind was focused on my lack.  I was always thinking that I lacked this, I lacked that.  And I ignored what I already had, and how much worth it had.  I found enjoyment from a simple sandwich for lunch...two slices of whole wheat bread and cheese, but being in peace.  I found enjoyment in just sitting outside with a cup of coffee and being with my thoughts.  I began to understand where I invested my time and effort.  My values changed.  I learned to value the "small" things in life.  Now, I value being able to wake up in the morning.  I value my intelligence and creativity because I can discover how to live an authentic life, instead of life in a box.

Where is the Real You?

We always want to know what the trend is, so we are not left behind.  Society tells us that our only purpose is to win and be successful, according to the norm.  Oftentimes, we confuse what society wants with what we want for ourselves.  We're afraid to not be like the others.  We cannot find our own voice in the midst of all the other voices -- our teachers', our friends', our parents', our colleagues', the media's, etc.  T.D. Jakes tells us to follow our gut in order to be connected to our true self.  Eckhart Tolle tells us to learn to be conscious at all times.  Byron Katie teaches us to question our thinking.  These are many ways that can help us find the real you, so that you can feel at ease, so you are living an authentic life.  Living an authentic life brings so much peace and happiness and limitless joy.  The real you is there, at your core, in your center.  Find it and discover that everything you really want, you already have.  It's not out there, it's in here.  Don't be afraid of being with your self.  Your self is your true guide.  You will find God there.

The Subconscious

My premise is that there's a place down deep inside where we know everything we need to know about life.  Whatever we're looking for is inside us.  We just need to unlock the door to our inner self, tune in to our inner voice, and access our subconscious.  Our goal is to find that inner guide, to get in touch with that deep part of ourselves that knows everything.

The way to tap into the subconscious is to be aware of your mental pain or sense of "unease."  Go to every nook and cranny of your subconscious.  Every time you feel mental pain or unease, stop for a moment and pay attention to the feelings and thoughts.  Get to know what is making you suffer, what is bothering you, no matter how subtle the feeling.  Use your pain as a source of information. Everything and anything you feel, think or believe is information.  Knowledge is power.  Who knows you better than any other person on earth?  The answer is:  you.  You are the experiencer.  You only need to trust yourself and connect with your inner self.

Some common subconscious beliefs are:
-I'm not good enough
-Nobody loves me
-Life is difficult
-I need to be loved

I used to have these thoughts that always made me feel uncomfortable, separate from others, like an outsider.  But eventually, I realized that I was holding on to these beliefs without questioning their validity.  I realized that those negative beliefs were absolutely not true.  I only believed them because I believed the stories from the news, from TV, from movies, from magazines.  Of course I don't need to be good enough for others.  And once I stopped believing those thoughts, I found out that life was easy, not difficult.

Once the subconscious is unlocked, cravings will go away, aches and pains will disappear, our health will be better and we will feel an "easing up" and a sense of clarity in our thoughts, and lightheartedness.  We may even have visions.  It will be easy to let go and we can desire with ease.

Being Authentic

Being authentic can be hard for some of us, because the voice of the inner critic is so strong, telling you that others are better than you.  When you look up to someone because he or she looks so "together," what happens to your authenticity?  These are some reactions that we have when we think others are better than us:
We copy other people's ways, cultures, standards (we lack originality)
We're too hard on ourselves (perfectionistic)
We don't allow ourselves to make mistakes
We always feel that others are judging us -- being too self-conscious
We compare ourselves to others, always
We don't allow ourselves to be different, therefore, creativity is stifled
We have to prove to others that we are good (needing validation)
We need to feel important, in order to measure up
We cannot explore or expand, for fear of ridicule
We fear exclusion
We cannot fail, for fear of rejection
We need the approval of others, to know we're right

If you want to be authentic, notice how you feel.  Stop every now and then and notice.  If you don't feel good, stop.  Identify the feeling.  Ask questions.  Clarify.

Be aware of the moment.  Do this throughout the day.  Feel the experience.  What's good about it, what's bad about it?  What blessings are you receiving right now?  Identify your feelings and desires at the moment.

Awareness will guide you and point you to the solutions.  Connect with your inner being and notice how slowly but surely, you are becoming aware of who you really are.

Are Others Better Than You?

Are you comfortable always measuring up to "better than" standards?  For example:  If you don't feel beautiful or smart, like others, what would the consequences be for you?  We are always overcompensating.

We learned in childhood, and even later on into adulthood, the notion of "better than" -- that other groups or people or cultures or other ways are "better."

"Better than" groups are exclusive.  Some examples are:  Aristocracy, Executives (glass ceiling, bamboo ceiling), royalty, expensive neighborhoods, elite schools, religions.

People define "better than" categories based on:  economic status, beauty standards, job titles, age, sexual orientation, religion, race.

What was your experience with the notion of "better than?" -- when you thought others were better, or they thought you were not as good as them.  Look at your own situation and examine your beliefs around this concept.  This way, it will become clear to you that being better is not that important to you after all, because in reality, there is no one person or thing that is really better than you.  The truth is you just want to be yourself.

When You Assume

Assumptions come from our interpretation of our experiences, our surroundings and what we learn from others.  Assumptions become our beliefs that we then internalize.

If you don't feel good about yourself, what do you assume about the world?  Or, what is your belief about life?

Beliefs can be very subjective -- meaning that they are not absolute truths, but are based on your emotions, interpretations, perceptions, and even biases.

Assumptions or beliefs are very powerful because many times they are in the unconscious and are invisible.  They are difficult to identify and see, and yet they determine the extent of our goals and dreams, actions and behaviors.

As we form our assumptions and beliefs, we tend to generalize and magnify.  So for example, if your boyfriend breaks up with you, you start believing that there's something very wrong with you, that life is unfair, that relationships are scary, and that all men are the same.  Your opinion of relationships and men become negative.  So you start making assumptions based on your feelings.

What if you assume that there is something very wrong with you?  That would certainly limit you in many ways.  Are you basing your assumption on how others see you?  We only grow by learning from our experiences.  Without experiences, we become stunted.  And the idea is that the next time, we will know more and have a better experience.

When you experience something bad, like a break-up or loss of employment or an insult, notice the things that you quietly say to yourself.  You make assumptions:  "I am doomed," "I can't go on," "I'm no good," etc.  Ask yourself if those statements are really true and what is the evidence?  Intellectually, we know that they are not true, but we become emotional and start generalizing and magnifying.

Get to know your negative assumptions about life, people, and situations.  Question them.  Are they true?  Most likely, they are are not abolutely true.

Low Self Esteem: Self-Assessment

There are many negative feelings and thoughts associated with low self-esteem.  Some of them are the following:
-Afraid to express ideas and opinion
-Not believing in self and abilities
-Not wanting to test abilities, ideas
-Thinking scarcity
-Avoidance, Retreat, Hiding
-Feeling weak
-Cannot take rejection

If you jot down some of your criticisms about yourself, you will be able to analyze and reflect on them.  Ask yourself this question:  What then?

If you're afraid to express your ideas and opinions, what happens?  Some answers to this particular question could be:
-I will not be able to participate fully.
-I will not be able to express myself.
-My feelings will be bottled up inside.
-I will not be able to grow.
-I will feel bad about myself.
If you don't believe in your self and your abilities, what will happen?
-You'll be bored.
-You'll feel stuck.
-You cannot test your abilities.
-You will not find out the truth.

You can see how your behavior is driven by negative feelings and thoughts that can affect the quality of your life, and can lead to depression.
Try this exercise.  Listen to the voice of your inner critic.  What is it saying about yourself?  It's a good way to get to know yourself.  Self-knowledge is the way to freedom.  Take your time, relax and get paper and pencil and start writing.