The Self Has No Color

Little children, by nature, are fearless creatures.  They are not afraid to swing on the monkey bars or just talk to another boy or girl who just happened to be there. But as they grow up and assimilate in society, they lose that sense of fearlessness.  They start believing in the crowd instead of their true selves.  There are many ways that this child in us can get lost.  Severe trauma, heartbreak, rejection, hardship, abuse, neglect, domination are some of the reasons we lose our sense of security and we start to doubt our sense of judgement.  As a consequence, we start separating ourselves.  We act like strangers in this world, while everybody else seems like they are on the same page.  That's what we perceive.  We start finding it hard to connect internally and outwardly, and then many of us find ourselves trying hard to fit in, looking for that one person who will love us -- as if it were our only salvation.

As adults, we start to look for reasons why we cannot assimilate.  Is it because of the color of my skin?  Is it my accent?  Is it my height?  Is it the way I speak?  Is it the way I dress?  Is it the kind of job I have?  Is it the size of my house?  Is it the kind of car I drive?  Is it my culture?  Is it my education?  Is it how much money I have or don't have?  Is it about what I want to do?

My job as a life coach is to help you find that lost child, which I call the Self.  You can go back internally and work little by little to recover your equilibrium and bearing and give life to this inner Self again...the Self that has no color or shape.  This Self is your source of dignity and pride.  It exists inside you and is your connection to your Source and is Love.  This is the Self that knows what flavor of ice-cream you love the best!

You're the Boss of You

People get depressed because they focus on others and what's outside.  Negative thoughts, such as I'm not good enough, etc., can ruin your entire life.  The more you think negative thoughts, the more they grow and multiply inside your head.  You need a home, an anchor, inside of you that would neutralize these vicious negative thoughts.

Living up to society's standards is impossible.  You think you are not a success, but the other is.  But Life is big, wide and abundant.  Life is huge.  You cannot go by how others live it.  That would limit you.  That's why you don't get it.  There are a gazillion ways to live life.  You have to deal with Life according to who you are, the one that's got the unique finger print.  You can go by how you see it -- your own way.  You're the one who knows what tickles you or delights you or scares you inside, in private.  There's this you that you need to explore -- the breadth and depth of it.  This unique you is wide and deep.  There's so much to know about your true self -- the unknown.  Take the time to get to know it.  It could take years or even a lifetime, but it's so worth it.  How come you don't know who you really are?  Because you focus on others.  There's only one you that is different from the others.  The real you is where home is.  That's where peace is. 

Are you comfortable where you are sitting?  Shift your body a bit until you find that sweet spot...that awareness of your own self.  Who might that you be who does not always look around for validation, who does not compare itself to others and wondering what's going on outside so it can do the same?  Wonder what's going on with the real you instead?  You'll be surprised at the truth you will find about the real you...and it will astound and delight you...if you really try. 

You don't feel good enough because there's this picture of life that you think is the way it should be.  But no one person has the correct recipe for life, for everyone.  It's individual and diverse and goes according to you, the one and only you.  Be yourself...try it out.  It's scary but it's the only way out and the only path to true happiness.

There is actually a manual for life.  Do you know where it is?  It's inside you.  You have your own take on life that's yours alone.  Don't make it less important than other people's take on life.  That's theirs, not yours.  What if there were no trends or fads or the majority?  What then?  Follow your own heart and mind..  Who would you go by but yourself?  Because you're different from others.  That's why I made as many paragraphs as I wanted on this post.  It's according to my delight, not what others see as correct.

Setting the Bar too High

I was feeling blah today, not quite sure what to do with myself or with the day that was extreme.  I looked over my journal to see what ideas to focus on, such as looking at the glass half full or reminding myself that I grew up in a dynastic family culture which was constraining, or maybe focus on the idea of being authentic.  Being authentic...hmmm...   How can I apply that to my day?  The more bad I felt just thinking about it.  I went outside and sat at my favorite corner of the fast food restaurant and opened my journal, pen in hand.  I kept looking at the words...being authentic.  I couldn't shake off the bad feeling.  I was struggling for almost an hour.  Finally, I gave up.  I told myself I would just sleep it off.  It would be nice to snuggle under the warm blanket, even though, at the back of my head, that it was a loser's job to do that.  As I started to pack my things, voila!  I was awake all of a sudden as if the burden was lifted off my shoulder.  I started feeling good and relaxed and energized.  I figured out what the problem was.  I was forcing myself to be authentic, when in fact, it doesn't happen all the time to human beings.  And I probably was already being authentic, so it was overkill.  I realized then that even with doing work with my Self, I was thinking too big instead of small.  I was getting carried away and going overboard and being too hard on myself, to the point of pressuring myself to be authentic, thus, feeling bad about it.  I sat some more, savoring the moment of joy and peace.  What a glorious day it turned out to be, as I enjoyed listening to the background music.

Please note that my behavior came from a subconscious thought (You have to be authentic all the time.)  I wasn't really fully aware that I was being too hard on myself.  I only knew that I was feeling bad and didn't know why.  I also knew at that moment that being authentic was a liberating idea.  But I did not understand that going overboard and setting the bar too high, even on such a noble thing as being authentic, can cause harm to the self.

So in general, setting the bar to high on relationships and life in general can cause too much anxiety and even depression or panic attacks.  Be kind to yourself, even if it were only yourself.  Perfectionism can cause emotional disturbances, and be aware that your feelings of perfectionism can be subconscious and therefore, hard to detect.  So again, don't be too hard on yourself.

How to Succeed in Therapy

Therapy most often is a process much like peeling an onion.  There are many layers of issues to peel and there are many levels of breakthroughs.  To get the most out of your therapy sessions, here are some tips:

• Pursue the truth with ardor.
• Who am I?
• Why can't I be myself?
• Question your behavior or beliefs that bother you.
•  What am I doing with my life?
• Tell the therapist your personal goals.
• I don't want to be a robot
• I want to be authentic
• I want to be confident
•  Be aware of your subconscious.
• I want to fit in
• I want to be liked
• I want to do what others are doing
• What do I like?
• Focus on one issue only and understand it fully until it's resolved completely.
• How do I react?
• How do I treat myself and others when I don't feel good about something?
• What images do you see in your mind?
• Ask for a treatment plan so your sessions are focused.
• Be conscientious and do the work after the session, review your notes.

Your Compass

It's good to check your inner compass every now and then.  Take 20 to 60 minutes or just a few minutes in the day to stop and reflect.  Ask yourself if you are where you want to be.  Are you going in the right direction?  How do you feel in the moment?  Is there one small step you can take on your journey to your destination?  Just wait quietly for the answer.  Trust your compass.  It will guide you.

It was raining that day that I thought of this.  I stopped and observed the raindrops outside the glass window.  I noticed how the droplets would fall on the ground and splash on the cars.  It was a very Buddhist moment.  If you can create moments like these, you will be able to meditate on your inner compass and get to where you would like to be.

Namaste.

Creative Block?

Every civilization comes up with a system, true and tried, that becomes the prescription for living.  So everybody just follows, thus, losing the creative drive.  If you want to fit in, you follow the way of society.

Here are some suggestions to unblock the creative:

--You can get ideas when you are observing, seeing, feeling the moment.  For example, today I was observing the rain drops outside the glass window.  I was waiting for the rain to stop, so I could leave the place.  I was just watching the rain.

--Making art is not about ability or talent or achievement.  It's about expression, reflection, discernment and use of the senses.

--If there's any purpose to art, it is to be in the moment and to connect with your inner world.

--What is the feeling, impression that you like about what is in front of you?...and then keep the answer with you to guide your art.

--Art is not about fitting in or what to do with your life.

--Look at other artworks to get inspired.

--Art is about authenticity.

--Art has to do with trusting your inner compass.

--Art or learning is about how you do it your way, rather than how others do it.

--Focus on working on a small area of the art and notice how much work gets into the creating of art.

--Don't rush!  It will take some time to arrive at your destination, but it will be worth the wait.

--Stop and reflect for 20 minutes.  Walk or look out the window or look at the sky or the rain.  Feel your inner compass and ask yourself if you are in the "right" direction, but don't ask if it is perfect.

--Change your vocabulary.  Do you like it?  Rather than thinking of achieving a masterpiece.


Art can be a learning process.  When I paint, I notice how the brush creates feelings and images, by accident or on purpose.  The color can express a certain idea or feeling.  Even the mistakes lead you to a new idea.  I feel that when I create, all of a sudden the canvass comes to life!  The bigger the challenge, the bigger the value of what you learn from hurdling it.

Light Therapy

Whenever I feel down or depressed or stressed out or confused, I use light therapy to get me up again and right back on track.  The basic and most powerful source of light is sunshine.  So take advantage of the days when the sun is shining so brightly.  Light therapy is very powerful.  Do it for a few days, maybe three days, and just sit and enjoy the sunshine.  Know that it is working on your consciousness.  Notice how the sunlight floods the room or how it's reflected on any surface.  And feel the warmth of the sun.  If there is no sunlight, you can use a light bulb preferrably from a spotlight lamp.  Just focus on light for the next few days and bask in its warmth.  Light has been proven scientifically to have a positive effect on a person's mood.  What actually happens is that when the focus of the mind is on light, our thoughts start to shift to the positive.  Just sit quietly and meditate on the sun or any light.  Feel it's effect.  This is a great way to focus on something bright.  And when you do this, the negative thoughts weaken.  But if you do light therapy constantly, the negative thoughts eventually disappear.  And what you'll experience is peace, well being and satisfaction in whatever is in front of you.  What happened to me was... I was able to get to that place where my real self resides, and what a glorious feeling that is to experience it.  I feel authentic finally.

The Pain of Trying to Achieve

If you are not happy with how life is treating you, I have one suggestion.

Find something that you can do or have as a means to explore.  Think of playing or experimenting, instead of achieving.  Look at it as discovery instead of achievement.  Wanting so much to achieve can be painful, if you are not in the right frame of mind.  But when you do something for the love of it or simply to see what happens when you do this or do that, you get a different feeling.  It's just easier and you feel overjoyed by what you discover or what you learn about your work or life in general.  Life can change for the better just because you tweaked your mind to think in a different way.

Take art, for example.  With this new mind, I don't get stuck when I want to create a painting.  Without the pressure to achieve a masterpiece, painting is no longer painful.  I just sketch a little bit and then wait until something creative happens.  The canvass comes to life all of a sudden, because I'm trying out how this color works or how the way I hold the brush works...just having fun with experimenting.  An impression of something starts to build.  I stop and look at it from a small distance and ideas start to flow.  This time, I ask myself what I like about it...not if it's perfect.  So many things I can do now with the creative process.  What a relief.

This mental freedom requires psychological conditioning, but it's so worth it because, like I said, the door to your imagination opens up.

No Matter Where You Are in Life

No matter where you are or no matter what stage you are at, life is teaching you something about life.

I have been unemployed for a long time...and it is a hard pill to swallow.  It seems like I have no identity unless I have a job.  But after a while, I realized that life was painting a different picture for me.  I used to wake up to the thought that my life was over...that I had nothing...that I was no good.  But having learned about mindfulness in the past, I started to reflect on the situation. There's no train to catch.  Now what?

After examining my thoughts and feelings surrounding the new life I was given, I started to notice things I didn't pay attention to when I was working.  When I was working, I was always rushing and worried about bills, deadlines, job performance, getting a raise, never having enough time for everything I thought I had to do and always afraid of what people would think of me if I made a mistake or if I failed in something.

But now, I have time to prepare breakfast mindfully and sit down at the table thinking only about what's in front of me.  I am learning something new...like being in school, in a different school.  I would go to the kitchen and I notice what a good kitchen it is.  I would look out and see the hustle and bustle outside the window.  I noticed that was good...no problem here.  While eating breakfast, I feel that the nourishment was preparing me for the day. Life is teaching me something precious, which I wouldn't have learned otherwise, if I had a 9 to 5 job.

This new school is teaching me that life is better, in a way, when you are mindful and not rushing so much, afraid of being late or failing.  I have at lot less money, but that's good because I am learning new and wonderful ways of spending and satisfying myself...making do with what I have.  Now, that's a different place from thinking you do not have enough.  There is no problem.  Only the truth to be learned.  I am happy with anticipation of creating a different reality for me that is sweet and dare I say...blessed.

Whatever life is teaching you at a particular moment or experience, don't take it forgranted.  Listen, observe, contemplate.  It's giving you the key that will unlock your potential and your happiness.

The Negative Mind

The mind is usually full of negative thoughts, because as human beings, we tend to pay attention to the negative thoughts or situation, rather than on the positive.  We put so much importance on a negative situation, and minimize what's positive or even healthy for us,  We don't focus on the positive because we have been conditioned to minimize the value of a sunny day, a nice short walk, warm gloves, cozy pajamas or heat from the radiator.  We have been conditioned to think that what's important are things that make us look successful or look good in the eyes of others.

What are negative thoughts?  These are thoughts that make you suffer.  Any time you are thinking any of the following thoughts, your mind is on the negative:

For example:

• It shouldn't be raining.
• My shoes are too tight.
• Nobody loves me.
• I need to be loved by someone.
• I need to feel important.

Thoughts like these cause discomfort and sometimes illnesses.  If you have a back ache or any body ache, for sure you are focusing on a negative thought.   They also cause problems in relationships, because you cannot really connect positively if you are in pain.  Negative thoughts cause physical and mental pain, so be aware, because it may not be obvious to you what the that thought is.

My 2015 Plan

Hello dear friends, I wish all of you a very Happy and Healthy New Year.

I just want to share with you some of my New Year's resolutions.  Basically, I want to keep it simple for 2015...no big projects or ideas of success.  I think these will be doable.

• I'll try not to be a robot.

•  When I fold my clothes after washing, I want to notice the collars and the sleeves and the hem.

• I want to appreciate Art by:
• maybe going to galleries
• surfing art blogs
• listening to artists being interviewed

•  I want to be different, authentic

• I want to practice "building"...whether it be muscles, character, a business, or a cake; setting a good foundation to make whatever it is...strong

• I want to appreciate the simple things during the cold weather, such as:
• a very warm scarf
• a heater that is steaming
• the sun shining so brightly in the living room
• Japanese Art

May 2015 run smoothly; may there be less bumps on the road; may we all find beauty and happiness from the simple things in life.

Benefits of a Quiet Mind

The best way for me to clear the mind is to question our thinking.  If you have a thought about a situation that is making you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself if the thought is true and if the thought is absolutely true.  Go to thework.com to learn about inquiry from my teacher, Byron Katie.

The benefits of a Quiet Mind are:

• you can remain calm even if there's a stressful situation
• you can be present in the moment
• you can enjoy the moment
• you can focus on the now
• your relationships will be healthier
• your communication will be clearer and authentic
• you can solve problems objectively
• you can be creative

Finding Yourself

You can't be happy until you can be yourself, alone or with others.  To find the real you, do inquiry.  Question your thoughts and beliefs.  The thought could be as simple as "my shoes are tight," "it shouldn't rain."  Or, it could be more intense, such as "people should love me," or "people should like me," or "I should know."  When you think about it, these thoughts or beliefs are quite unrealistic and untrue.  You can't really control people, much less the weather -- so why should you expect cooperation from them?  One by one, question those thoughts that make you suffer.  Then the real you will emerge from a clear mind.  No more baggage.  You'll know it's the real you because it feels good when you express authentically, and you'll be able to enjoy meditation.  This is happiness.

"Should" Overload

Depression is the result of what I call a SHOULD overload in the brain.  When the mind is overloaded with should statements, the person's system shuts down and the person, thus, can no longer function.

SHOULD statements:
1.  I should be loved.
2.  I should be liked.
3.  I should be successful.
4.  I should have lots of friends.
5.  I should have a man/woman.
6.  I should have more money.
7.  I should look good.
8.  I should be a good person.
9.  I should be perfect.
10. I should do everything right.
11. I should be healthy.
12. ETC.

WHAT TO DO:  Understand the SHOULD statements in your mind by QUESTIONING them one by one.

Is it true that I have to be loved?  Maybe I should love me first before I require others to love me.  Maybe it's not their job to love me.  Why do I need to be loved?  Answer those questions honestly and deeply.  Meditate on the questions.  Write it down.

The Work of Byron Katie has 4 basic questions you can use to do inquiry...best done by writing thoughts and feelings on paper and meditating.

Example:  I SHOULD BE LOVED (by others).

Question 1:  Is it true that YOU SHOULD BE LOVED be others?  yes/no
Question 2:  Are you absolutely sure it is true, that YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  yes/no
Question 3:  How do you react when you believe the thought YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  describe your feelings
Question 4:  Who would you be without the thought YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  imagine that you don't believe the thought

Then turn the statement around to the opposite - I should NOT be loved by others.
then give 3 examples of why that might be true.

Sample of 3 examples of why "I should NOT be loved by others" can be true:
--I should love myself first.
--No one can love perfectly, really.
--Other people might be having difficulties in life that we don't know about.

Do the questioning process for all your should statements so that one by one they will dissolve into thin air.  It will be like a burden is lifted off your shoulders.

Namaste.

Low Self Esteem: Self-Assessment

There are many negative feelings and thoughts associated with low self-esteem.  Some of them are the following:
-Afraid to express ideas and opinion
-Not believing in self and abilities
-Not wanting to test abilities, ideas
-Thinking scarcity
-Avoidance, Retreat, Hiding
-Feeling weak
-Cannot take rejection

If you jot down some of your criticisms about yourself, you will be able to analyze and reflect on them.  Ask yourself this question:  What then?

If you're afraid to express your ideas and opinions, what happens?  Some answers to this particular question could be:
-I will not be able to participate fully.
-I will not be able to express myself.
-My feelings will be bottled up inside.
-I will not be able to grow.
-I will feel bad about myself.
If you don't believe in your self and your abilities, what will happen?
-You'll be bored.
-You'll feel stuck.
-You cannot test your abilities.
-You will not find out the truth.

You can see how your behavior is driven by negative feelings and thoughts that can affect the quality of your life, and can lead to depression.
Try this exercise.  Listen to the voice of your inner critic.  What is it saying about yourself?  It's a good way to get to know yourself.  Self-knowledge is the way to freedom.  Take your time, relax and get paper and pencil and start writing.

The Seeds of Depression

It seems that one day, all of a sudden, I was depressed -- as if depression came overnight...because my boyfriend broke up with me, or I lost my job, or I have a serious illness.  But in hindsight, the depression didn't really happen so suddenly like that.  The seeds of depression were sown in my mind in previous years, maybe since I was a young girl.  And the path to healing was through self-knowledge.  Basically, I asked myself so many questions about myself, as if I were being interviewed on TV.  I was mostly interested in two things:
1) My perceptions about people and events, and life in general.  How did I form these perceptions? Well, for example, as a young girl, I would visit my aunt's house to watch TV or just be with people.  My father didn't believe in TV's and appliances.  The house was bare and there was no paint.  Whereas my aunt's house was painted and I saw many colors in the living room, which was richly decorated with miniature ships and Japanese dolls.  And they had a sofa that was green.  My father was an alcoholic and my mother was absent because she went to America to get a job as a teacher, and my sister was away in boarding school.  So there were many times when I was alone with only my thoughts and my imagination to keep me company.  The perceptions began to formulate in my mind, such as:  I'm poor, they're better than me, nobody loves me, and paint is better than no paint.  Those perceptions grew stronger and stronger until they became permanent, like beliefs -- no matter that they weren't really true.  I just felt that way:  not important because we don't have a TV.  I started imagining that I was on my death bed and how sorry people were for neglecting me. These are just examples of how I formed perceptions in my head that became the "truth" for me.  Can you imagine what other sorts of perceptions I had in my head from watching the images on the television set?
I also looked into...
2) my self-image.  Because I thought my cousins were rich and I was poor, I felt that I was inferior.  And I started to weave a story of how sad my life was and I even made sure I knew my place in society so I won't be hated.  I thought I wasn't supposed to speak.  Or that I had to be smart to get even.  Or that I wasn't attractive.  The self-image of a powerless, unlovable, victim started to form.  And I went through life thinking this was who I was.  And I thought to myself:  Of course, I'm not lovable, that's why people don't like me! I couldn't think otherwise.

But today, the perceptions and the self-image I grew up with have been questioned.  I questioned relentlessly my beliefs.  Is it true that I am inferior to others?  Is it true that others are better?  Is it true that I am a victim?  Is it true that life is hard?  Is it true that nobody loves me?  And then I asked again:  Is it absolutely true?  Of course, the answer was No.  Nowadays, I'm free of most of those false ideas.  As the cobwebs are swept away from my mind, I can see with crystal clarity, that I am not a victim.  This led the way to healing, and now I can say that for the most part I am not depressed anymore.

There are two authors who taught me about questioning my negative thoughts and being conscious.  They are Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.  Please read any of their books, if you want to try to start unraveling the unconscious and discovering your thoughts that make you suffer.