The Seeds of Depression

It seems that one day, all of a sudden, I was depressed -- as if depression came overnight...because my boyfriend broke up with me, or I lost my job, or I have a serious illness.  But in hindsight, the depression didn't really happen so suddenly like that.  The seeds of depression were sown in my mind in previous years, maybe since I was a young girl.  And the path to healing was through self-knowledge.  Basically, I asked myself so many questions about myself, as if I were being interviewed on TV.  I was mostly interested in two things:
1) My perceptions about people and events, and life in general.  How did I form these perceptions? Well, for example, as a young girl, I would visit my aunt's house to watch TV or just be with people.  My father didn't believe in TV's and appliances.  The house was bare and there was no paint.  Whereas my aunt's house was painted and I saw many colors in the living room, which was richly decorated with miniature ships and Japanese dolls.  And they had a sofa that was green.  My father was an alcoholic and my mother was absent because she went to America to get a job as a teacher, and my sister was away in boarding school.  So there were many times when I was alone with only my thoughts and my imagination to keep me company.  The perceptions began to formulate in my mind, such as:  I'm poor, they're better than me, nobody loves me, and paint is better than no paint.  Those perceptions grew stronger and stronger until they became permanent, like beliefs -- no matter that they weren't really true.  I just felt that way:  not important because we don't have a TV.  I started imagining that I was on my death bed and how sorry people were for neglecting me. These are just examples of how I formed perceptions in my head that became the "truth" for me.  Can you imagine what other sorts of perceptions I had in my head from watching the images on the television set?
I also looked into...
2) my self-image.  Because I thought my cousins were rich and I was poor, I felt that I was inferior.  And I started to weave a story of how sad my life was and I even made sure I knew my place in society so I won't be hated.  I thought I wasn't supposed to speak.  Or that I had to be smart to get even.  Or that I wasn't attractive.  The self-image of a powerless, unlovable, victim started to form.  And I went through life thinking this was who I was.  And I thought to myself:  Of course, I'm not lovable, that's why people don't like me! I couldn't think otherwise.

But today, the perceptions and the self-image I grew up with have been questioned.  I questioned relentlessly my beliefs.  Is it true that I am inferior to others?  Is it true that others are better?  Is it true that I am a victim?  Is it true that life is hard?  Is it true that nobody loves me?  And then I asked again:  Is it absolutely true?  Of course, the answer was No.  Nowadays, I'm free of most of those false ideas.  As the cobwebs are swept away from my mind, I can see with crystal clarity, that I am not a victim.  This led the way to healing, and now I can say that for the most part I am not depressed anymore.

There are two authors who taught me about questioning my negative thoughts and being conscious.  They are Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.  Please read any of their books, if you want to try to start unraveling the unconscious and discovering your thoughts that make you suffer.