Work, Work, Work

"...All of us have been taught to make things happen in the physical world.  We know what it takes:  setting goals, rolling up our sleeves, putting pleasure aside, and working, working, working, working.  Then it helps if we work harder.  Often we need others to help us work, so we must work to find them and work to motivate them with physical rewards (food, money, companionship, approval) and/or physical punishment (pink slips, prison, breakups, criticism).  All of this is hard.  It demands much time and effort from both the body and the calculating mind.  As Genesis reminds us, "In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it was though taken: for dust thou are, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Well, yes, but...We now live in a world where a great deal of value is created with pure information rather than physical matter..."

--by Martha Beck, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World

The Seeds of Depression

It seems that one day, all of a sudden, I was depressed -- as if depression came overnight...because my boyfriend broke up with me, or I lost my job, or I have a serious illness.  But in hindsight, the depression didn't really happen so suddenly like that.  The seeds of depression were sown in my mind in previous years, maybe since I was a young girl.  And the path to healing was through self-knowledge.  Basically, I asked myself so many questions about myself, as if I were being interviewed on TV.  I was mostly interested in two things:
1) My perceptions about people and events, and life in general.  How did I form these perceptions? Well, for example, as a young girl, I would visit my aunt's house to watch TV or just be with people.  My father didn't believe in TV's and appliances.  The house was bare and there was no paint.  Whereas my aunt's house was painted and I saw many colors in the living room, which was richly decorated with miniature ships and Japanese dolls.  And they had a sofa that was green.  My father was an alcoholic and my mother was absent because she went to America to get a job as a teacher, and my sister was away in boarding school.  So there were many times when I was alone with only my thoughts and my imagination to keep me company.  The perceptions began to formulate in my mind, such as:  I'm poor, they're better than me, nobody loves me, and paint is better than no paint.  Those perceptions grew stronger and stronger until they became permanent, like beliefs -- no matter that they weren't really true.  I just felt that way:  not important because we don't have a TV.  I started imagining that I was on my death bed and how sorry people were for neglecting me. These are just examples of how I formed perceptions in my head that became the "truth" for me.  Can you imagine what other sorts of perceptions I had in my head from watching the images on the television set?
I also looked into...
2) my self-image.  Because I thought my cousins were rich and I was poor, I felt that I was inferior.  And I started to weave a story of how sad my life was and I even made sure I knew my place in society so I won't be hated.  I thought I wasn't supposed to speak.  Or that I had to be smart to get even.  Or that I wasn't attractive.  The self-image of a powerless, unlovable, victim started to form.  And I went through life thinking this was who I was.  And I thought to myself:  Of course, I'm not lovable, that's why people don't like me! I couldn't think otherwise.

But today, the perceptions and the self-image I grew up with have been questioned.  I questioned relentlessly my beliefs.  Is it true that I am inferior to others?  Is it true that others are better?  Is it true that I am a victim?  Is it true that life is hard?  Is it true that nobody loves me?  And then I asked again:  Is it absolutely true?  Of course, the answer was No.  Nowadays, I'm free of most of those false ideas.  As the cobwebs are swept away from my mind, I can see with crystal clarity, that I am not a victim.  This led the way to healing, and now I can say that for the most part I am not depressed anymore.

There are two authors who taught me about questioning my negative thoughts and being conscious.  They are Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.  Please read any of their books, if you want to try to start unraveling the unconscious and discovering your thoughts that make you suffer.

I can't be happy, unless my nose is perfect, ...

I know people who say:  I can't be happy, unless my mother loves me, unless I find prince charming, unless I have a lot of money, unless my nose is perfect, etc.  This is like putting myself in a box.  So I ask: Why limit happiness to one single thing?  I think that by exploring other things that make us feel good, we can become more healthy emotionally.  Many times, we don't really notice the moments or situations that make us happy, because they are momentary, and because we want to brush it aside so we can focus on that one thing only, which is:  I need to have a promotion, I need to look good, I have to be beautiful, I have to be intelligent, I have to be a snob, I have to be hardworking, I need my nose fixed, etc.  If I suddenly feel good about something, whether it's the perfectly tasting latte, or that great movie, or that cool air that was suddenly refreshing -- I want to stop for a moment or for a whole day and think how good that felt.  It was only a latte, only a movie, only cool air, but it made me feel good and woke me up from thinking.  Feel how something so "insignificant" in your life, had the power to make you stop and forget your troubles.  It's those moments that I want to explore and look for and think about, because they're just right outside my doorstep.

Too young to realize...that I should have brought you flowers

I love this Bruno Mars song.  It inspired me to talk about it, thinking about the period in my life when I didn't realize much.  I have the tendency to beat myself up for not knowing any better.  I spend hours and days doing this, as if it were just a matter of forgetfulness or not paying attention.  But in reality, there are periods in our lives when we really don't know any better, for so many reasons.  No matter how hard we try to figure things out, the doors to our mind and heart are closed.  As a teenager and even when I was 40 years old, I was literally "clueless."  I just did what my parents told me to do or I just copied what my older sister did.  I was not awake.  I was like sleep-walking throughout my younger life.  It never occurred to me that I could direct my life on my own, as an adult.  But life eventually wakes you up from your slumber.  One time, I heard my boss tell this young woman:  "I could see yourself as a successful woman in corporate America someday."  For some reason, that woke me up.  So I decided that I would work in a corporation, and see what the big deal was all about.  I got really psyched.  Of course, no matter how misdirected the thought may have been, it opened my eyes to something different in life.  There were signs of life in me.  The pot was being stirred.

What I learned from this Bruno Mars song is this: don't cry over spilled milk.

Liking Your Voice

I would wait patiently, until I heard that distinct voice that was uniquely mine, that came from my heart.  I started learning not to judge, to just notice it.  I watched how my work started to change in a nice way.  When I write now, I notice how the sentences sparkle and shine -- at least for me.  I learned to love my voice, and nurture it.  Each of us has his or her own distinct voice.  Allow that distinct voice to dominate.  That's who you are.  That is the "I am."  Experiment with your voice.  Suspend judgement.  Then sit back and let your work dazzle you.  In the end, I fell in love with my voice -- for now my writer's voice.  I want to be with it.  I want to get to know it better and completely.  That is true self-love.  It takes courage to validate your true self; but it's the only way to discover how beautiful we all are in our hearts.

First, you have to find it -- your voice.  You can do this when you're working.  As you go about your work, notice that voice that is distinctly your own.  Notice the quality -- there are many.  Maybe it's a doubting voice, or a curious voice, or a questioning voice.  For me, I grew to like the doubting voice; I use it in my writing.  But there's that critical voice, which I don't like because it makes me think of other people's work.  Then I would compare.  Is my work "as good" as his or her work?  This is how my voice wanders around in my work.  The voice is actually very interesting.  If you observe how it forms the work, how the shape changes, how the colors shimmer, it likes to accuse or emphasize certain parts.  So get to know your voice, find it, and then be friends with it.  You can apply the process of finding your voice when doing any kind of work or in any situation.

What's True and What's Not True?

I learned to believe certain things about myself by listening to my parents, by looking at glamorous women in magazines, by looking up to my sister, by idolizing my teachers, in awe of other people and different surroundings.  I based my self-worth on how other people treated me, good or bad.  Because I was always looking for someone else to love me, and because I was always looking at the outside world, I started believing I wasn't good enough, or I wasn't pretty enough, or that other people were luckier than me.  Those were the things I believed in.  I thought they were the truth.  But now I ask myself:  is it true?  Is it true that I'm not good enough?  I set up such high standards for myself, wanting to do everything the right way, not allowing my own ideas to flow, trying to fit in with other people's standards.  Instead I let other people rule me.  Is it true that other people are luckier?  It seems that way on the outside.  But who knows how it is on the inside.  How do you look at life in general? And how you view other people's lives?  Make a list.  For example, "she's beautiful, so she must be lucky in love."  Or "he's rich so he's happier than me."  Or "life is difficult, always."   Then ask yourself if the belief is true.  I learned the art of questioning my thinking from The Work of Byron Katie.  She uses four basic questions when doing inquiry about a belief:
1.  Is it true?
2.  Is it absolutely true?
3.  How do you react when you believe the thought/belief?
4.  Who would you be without the thought/belief?
When you're done with this exercise, separate what's true from what's not true, after you have re-evaluated.  Then look at the picture that emerges.  This will help allow your ideas to flow which will bring you to another dimension.  To get better acquainted with this type of inquiry, go to thework.com.

Are You Setting Yourself Up for Depression?

The first glimpses of life at an early stage actually became the truths I held on to throughout my adult years. My vision of life grew out of that child's eyes and mind.  When I got depressed , chances are that I can look back to my childhood and find the connection.  I thought I wasn't treated right by my family, friends, teachers, society -- back then -- so my view of people, in general, became warped. That is how we sow the seeds of depression.  The negative beliefs have collected in the brain, latent but simmering, ready to explode when the bubble bursts.

But can we still blame others for our depression once we've become adults?  Yes, it seems so much easier to blame someone else rather than moving on actively to find that place where we can find peace.  We focus on how to get justice and how to prove them wrong.  But the reality is, only I can get myself out of the hole, not someone else.

As an adult, I become at some point the creator of my life.  It's hard to believe that I truly have a choice.  And controlling the situation seems very frustrating.  But it's not really about control.  Rather, it is about my ability to turn to my own self for the love I'm always looking for.  Because the truth is:  I am quite good at loving people.

Filling our hearts with sadness, anger, hate and blame is quite a big set up for failure.  As humans, we are creators, after all.  I started creating imaginary walls, creating enemies, creating hiding places in my life, creating limitations, creating separations; and in the process, denying myself all those good feelings that come with good thoughts, good experiences, a good life.  To me, life had to be a certain way...very far from reality.  The mental pain came from forcing the issue.  Life had to be a specific way.  Otherwise, it was "not" a worthy life.  I started creating stories in my head about other people, about me, about life, that made me feel stuck.  Finally, I put myself in a corner and the result was shut-down.  In other words, depression.

Independent Mind

My mantra these days is "Independent Mind."  Of course no one can be totally independent of others, but I strive to be independent-minded as much as I can.  What I mean by that is I focus on my own rather on other people's ideas and opinions and way of doing things.  I realized, when first I stumbled upon my independent mind, how much easier it was to be.  Growing up in Filipino culture, class consciousness was the norm, so that people treated you nice or not depending on what they thought your class were.  I started interpreting this class distinction as the bible for how I should be:  I should wear nice clothes, I should be wealthy, I should look good, I should be intelligent, I should have a nice house, I should be a good girl, etc.  I wanted people to treat me a certain way, so I surrendered to the rules of society, that's what happened.  These days, I'm mindful of how I react to what I see or hear outside of my self.  Having an independent mind allows me to prosper from my inner core.  This way, I connect with people through my authentic self, no matter what my class is.  The more I tune in to the real me, the "I am," the more content I feel,  the more gentle I am with myself, and the more "independent mind" I have.

Reality vs. The Ideal

A lot of times it is really hard to understand reality.  We ask:  why is this happening?  And clearly, the answer is:  because it is happening, it's called reality.  The most common mistake in life is idealizing persons or situations.  Life should be easy.  And yet, life is difficult.  My mother doesn't love me, and yet some mothers cannot love -- that's reality.  So the ideal, such as mothers should love their children, a lot of times does not happen.  But we expect the ideal to happen, so we experience a lot of pain because it doesn't happen.  Why do we keep expecting the ideal, when reality is always different.  Women don't always become good mothers, and yet we perpetuate the belief that all mothers should love their children.  That is why children feel so hurt when the mother is incapable of loving. This causes a lot of mental pain.  We have to believe that not all women know how to parent a child, much less love a child.  And yet we always question the quality of a mother's love.  People, like women, struggle with their limitations in coping with life's many challenges and hurdles.  It is so easy to hate and become confused, angry, disillusioned, dysfunctional, or lost or even unaware of one's own behavior.  People are that way.  So why should women be different just because they bear children?  Reality does not fit this ideal we have invented about a mother's love.  Yes, there are many mothers who love, but there are also many who do not love.  If nobody loves you, you become more independent.  Isn't that good, in a way?  Why do we teach our children to get their self-worth from their mothers or husbands or wives, instead of loving their own selves and getting love from anyone who really loves them?  Isn't a friend's love good enough?  Is a mother's love superior?  That's why we anguish so much when she is so cold.

Look at the Bright Spot?

I learned something valuable today from someone at a depression meetup I attended.  This is what I learned:  If you have a bright spot in your life right now, in the middle of your depression, focus on it as if it were the only thing that was important in your life.  Focus on it, no matter how insignificant it may seem.  It could be a dance class that you attend once a week, or your pet puppy that keeps you on your toes.  Whatever that bright spot is, value it with all your heart.  It may seem useless to others, but it doesn't matter, because you know how it makes you feel.  Once you start paying more attention to that bright spot, you'll remember it more, and that bright spot will grow brighter and brighter, bigger and bigger.  For someone else, she said she likes watching documentaries about crimes, because it makes her feel that she's not the only one who has a twisted life experience.  For some people, that would sound weird and something you wouldn't recommend.  But don't judge that bright spot.  It comes in all shapes and sizes.

It's OK to be Depressed

I learned something new last Monday from my meetup in NYC.  I learned that it is totally okay to be depressed.  It doesn't mean you will not try to be happier, but don't beat yourself up in the process.  Many people do not like to hear from depressed individuals.  But who cares what others think?  The important thing is that you love yourself no matter what, whether you are depressed or not.  Depression is a reality that many are experiencing.  It's part of life. 

It is harder to be at peace if you are judging the depression.  Do not try to push it away.  Instead, get to know your depression.  Question the thoughts or beliefs that make you suffer.  Is it true?  Are you absolutely sure it's true?  I learned these questions from The Work of Byron Katie.  We have so many negative thoughts that we are not aware of, that make us depressed.  Some negative thoughts are:  "it's bad that it's raining," "parents should love their children," "war is bad," etc.  Questioning these petty thoughts can bring so much relief.  Question these thoughts one by one and the mind will gradually or even magically heal itself.  Do it for yourself, not for others.  Go to thework.com to find out about the 4 basic questions to do inquiry, or email me for the information.

Best of luck!

The Tough Gets Going

Sometimes you have to act tough if you don't want to go on a downward spiral.  Sometimes it helps to fight back.  So start now.  Make a vow to move forward or upward.  Be conscious that your head is filled with depression-thoughts right now.  Don't be discouraged by the enormity of the depression.  As the saying goes, "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."  You can't get from here to there without that single step, and then another, and then another.  If you can train your mind to think negative thoughts, to think that nothing matters, or nobody cares, then you can train your mind to think the opposite as well.

I usually start the day by being conscious of the sun -- so I go to the living room and notice how the sunlight floods the room or how the sunlight is laying on the couch.  I pick up my Byron Katie book and lay my head on the couch.  Then I notice how the sun hits the page, and how clearly it makes the words appear.  If that's all you can do for ten minutes, you've already begun that thousand-mile journey to peace.  You have defeated the negative talk in your head for that long.  Remember, many times you are not conscious of the thoughts.  You believe them automatically, and many times you don't even know that you believe the thought. 

It's really so easy to cave in to negative thoughts.  Negative thoughts have so much power that it is so easy to depress yourself, consciously or unconsciously, if you wanted to.  So be aware of what you are telling yourself or how you view the world.  Question your beliefs, such as nobody loves me, it's too difficult, I don't know what to do, etc..  I recommend reading any of Byron Katie's books, especially "Loving What Is," or go to thework.com and familiarize yourself with her method of inquiry to clear the mind, find peace and see reality for what it is.

As you learn to find things that are working for you, the more you will guide yourself into finding the truth that will set your mind free.  Your breath is a gift, isn't it?  Think about that.  Look closely at your hands and feet.  Your feet will take you from one place to another.  Your hands can make things.  You don't have to be a superstar to be happy.  You can just sit by yourself or chat with someone over a cup of tea or coffee, and that would be enough.  Why are you looking for something or someone if you already have so much in front of you.  The more you want money, friends and health, the more you don't pay attention what's just in front of you:  the plants, the furniture, the vegetables, tea, the dishes, your Mom, your friend, your neighbor, your dog.  Ask yourself why you are asking for more? -- This will help ease your mind and lift your depression, one step at a time.

So go out there, even if you don't want to, you might find something that you will like, by accident.  I went to a dance festival last night even if I didn't feel like it, just as a way to fight the oncoming depression.  I convinced myself that I will enjoy the evening, the train ride with my sister, the walk to the dance studio, and the dances.  I was lucky, because the event was held in a small, intimate setting with big windows that had a spectacular view of Manhattan's evening skyline.  The creativity that I witnessed that night inspired the spirit inside me, as I felt the cool breeze coming through.  Go out there and find something, experiment.  Rate your experience from 1-10.  See which ones felt good -- which activity, which place, which person.  What thoughts keep popping up?
Fight back!

Investing for the Future When in Depression

Investing is a concept for depression.  When we think of treatment for depression, it helps to invest.  What I mean by invest is "do something today for tomorrow."  If you're doing positive thinking or doing affirmations in order to fight depression, bear in mind that success is not always instantaneous.  So don't think that your method is not working.  If you work all day questioning your thoughts and searching for the truth, you might not get the good effect until the following day.  You will notice that when you wake up the next day, you feel better than yesterday.  The bad feelings are no longer there, but you had to wait a whole day to get that result.

So think long-term.  If you make it a habit to think good thoughts all day long, you are actually training your mind to think differently.  You are programming your mind to look for the good things in life.  Rather than focusing your thoughts on what is wrong about life, you are learning to focus your thoughts on what is right about life.  If you do this training everyday, you will feel differently after one day, and moreso after one month.  This method will inspire you and teach you how you can love life.

Investing time and effort for your mental health will surely bear fruits for you in the future.  It's like building a house or a sand castle.  You work at it one step at a time, and patiently, and carefully, and thoughtfully, so that in the end your foundation and structure is strong and enduring.  Whatever your method is in fighting depression, it will work if you are viewing your efforts as investment and that you know to wait for the investment to grow and multiply.  This makes suffering for a day or two worthwhile, because you know that your method is working even if it's not instantaneous.  You have plenty of time to enjoy your new mind and well being in the near future.  Slow but sure is a good thing after all.

Investing also involves risk and a lot of thought, reasearch and analysis.  At the beginning, the search for a cure is through trial-and-error.  Always be honest with yourself.  If one way is not working for you and you've given it enough time, ask yourself why it's not working, and then look for a new way.  Listen to your heart, and be rational at the same time.

Talking About Depression

When my Mom told me that David Letterman was going to be on Oprah's network, I was somewhat interested.  But when he said that David Letterman admitted to Oprah that he was depressed, I got really very interested.  I told my Mom that I was glad Letterman will say he is depressed on television, because I knew people would listen to him and believe him.  I always had a problem talking about depression to others, even to my family and my therapist, because they always made me feel that it was something I can "will" to go away, just by forcing on a smile, or going to the gym.  The truth is that when your at the throes of a very bad depression, you cannot just will it away.  You feel like you're all tied up with a rope around your body and you are gagged.  If that's how you feel, it's really hard to depend on just your will. 

So I patiently went to my psychiatrist once a month, and waited until we found the right medication that would work for me, that did not have any serious side effects.  The process to find the right medication may take a long time, up to 6-8 months (for me) because you have to try different brands in different dosages.  Each time you try on a new drug or a new dosage of the drug, you have to wait 1-2 months for the drug to kick in; and if the drug or dosage didn't work, you have to try again and wait another 1-2 months.

I tried lexapro at different dosages, and then remeron.  Finally, the combination of remeron and celexa worked, with no side effects.  The medication helped me to get up from bed, take walks, exercise, write on my journal, do housework, watch TV, talk to people. 

Finding the right medication that works for you is a great opportunity to do self-help.  Once I felt better because of the medication, I explored different types of self-help.  I read books by Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer.  But then I discovered The Work of Byron Katie, which is a tool to inquire and question our thinking that causes us to suffer.  I try to do it everyday.  The Work is so freeing that you can really feel a great sense of well being and peace, once you've done the questioning.  Google "Byron Katie" and go to her website to learn more about the basic 4 questions she uses to do self-inquiry.  Because of all the self-help that I did, I was able to really grow to appreciate my therapist.  I began to understand her approach to therapy.  I got it, and I realize now how right she is.  Basically, she keeps me grounded in reality, because I often argue with reality and expect life to be something that it's not.

Depression -- Physical or Emotional?

Many cases of depression can be physical in nature.  It starts with an emotional trigger -- but if the depression is so intense or lasts too long, the uptake of chemicals in the brain start to go haywire.  So the depression is now definitely a medical condition.  In this case, medication is needed.  Psychological therapy alone will not work, in some cases.  Furthermore, studies have shown that in patients with clinical depression, the brain cells show abnormalities.  In this same study, it showed that with medication and therapy treatments, the brain cells became healthier.  Some symptoms showing that the depression is physical (not psychological) are the following:  cannot get out of bed, cannot sit still, cannot do any activity, does not want to bathe, wished he/she were dead.  If the depression is physical, the person cannot function even if he/she does not seem to have a problem that needs to be resolved in the mind.  Taking medication gives the patient much needed boost so that he/she can start to function and be able to take care of his/her mental health for the long-term.  The patient can benefit from this boost in order to move forward.  If yo don't want to take medication, I recommend The Work of Byron Katie which uses 4 basic questions to do inquiry.  Often, it's our thoughts and beliefs about the situation that causes mental pain and mental shut down, not the situation itself.  The method of questioning our thoughts about a situation can be magical a lot of times and can set you free.

4 Ways to Get Rid of Depression

I was able to get well in 4 ways:

1. Endurance. It took about a year to finally find the right medication that worked for me. It takes time because there are many variables that need to be tested in a 4-week period, such as dosage, brand, co-drug.

2. Medication. It took 6-mos to a year to find the right meds, but when it worked, it was such a relief, and I was able to move about and do the work to make the healing permanent.

3. Therapy. Therapy works if you can really identify the emotions and situations that block you or cause you pain. Also, getting to know your therapist's approach and using that type of approach to your advantage, makes therapy work.

4. The Work of Byron Katie. Check out thework.com and learn about the 4 basic questions that can bring relief and lead you to the truth. It has to do with questioning your thinking. The 4 questions de-mistify the beliefs that cause your emotions and your suffering.

I'm a life coach. If you need help, please contact me.

Depression-Free: How Does Peace Look Like

What is PEACE anyway?  How do we know we have found peace?

First clue appears when you first wake up in the Morning.  You are able to get up unencumbered.  You feel okay.  You feel quite good.  Nothing is bothering you.  You feel light.  No anxieties.

Second clue is a Clear Mind.  You think clearly.  You know exactly what you have to do next.  You can solve a problem much easily because your mind is not cluttered by negative beliefs.  Your mind is like a clean, blank page and you can write on it or draw on it with ease.

Third clue is Quality.  Because you can think clearly, the work is easy.  You know what needs to be done because there is a lot of mind space to move about and solve problems.  You can arrange the pieces in your mind with ease.  You can connect the dots in your head with clarity.  You become effortlessly efficient and organized.  Your performance at work improves greatly because you can focus at will.

Fourth clue is you are not Afraid.  You are not scared because your mind is calm and uncluttered.  Most of the time, we PANIC because we can't think straight; because we have so many confusing thoughts all at once.

Fifth clue is you are not Stressed, because negative thoughts are no longer trapping you.  Example:  If you believe you need to be a size zero and then you gain weight.  Your negative belief that you have to be a 0 will torment you.  But if you no longer believe in the "have to's" and "shoulds", you can be calm during a storm; and most times you can be happy just the way you are. 

The Best clue is that you are able to LOVE yourself.  Love will just come naturally from a peaceful mind.  A clear mind is capable of self-awareness.  You become aware of the self, of the spirit, of the body.  When you are that close to your self, you cannot help but love yourself.

These are the benefits of a peaceful mind.  It is worth spending time finding peace.  Set aside an hour or more a day to learn about peace.

About the author:  I was able to cure my depression.  Now I am enjoying a new life, depression-free.  I learned that we can be happy no matter what we have or don't have and no matter what the situation is at the present moment.  It is true what they say -- that you already have everything you need.  I am a Life Coach.  If you need help, you can send email to mistview.santos@gmail.com.