Benefits of a Quiet Mind

The best way for me to clear the mind is to question our thinking.  If you have a thought about a situation that is making you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself if the thought is true and if the thought is absolutely true.  Go to thework.com to learn about inquiry from my teacher, Byron Katie.

The benefits of a Quiet Mind are:

• you can remain calm even if there's a stressful situation
• you can be present in the moment
• you can enjoy the moment
• you can focus on the now
• your relationships will be healthier
• your communication will be clearer and authentic
• you can solve problems objectively
• you can be creative

Finding Yourself

You can't be happy until you can be yourself, alone or with others.  To find the real you, do inquiry.  Question your thoughts and beliefs.  The thought could be as simple as "my shoes are tight," "it shouldn't rain."  Or, it could be more intense, such as "people should love me," or "people should like me," or "I should know."  When you think about it, these thoughts or beliefs are quite unrealistic and untrue.  You can't really control people, much less the weather -- so why should you expect cooperation from them?  One by one, question those thoughts that make you suffer.  Then the real you will emerge from a clear mind.  No more baggage.  You'll know it's the real you because it feels good when you express authentically, and you'll be able to enjoy meditation.  This is happiness.

Finding the Moment of Awareness

Finding the Moment is a great exercise to create awareness to the self and allows you to be present instead of focusing on the past or future.  The present is the here and now.  This moment is precious.

Wherever you are right now, focus on your breath and be still for just a moment.  Find your moment and then...

Ask yourself...in this order...in this moment

1.  Where am I?  Then look around you for a moment and notice your surrounding and feel the ground beneath your feet.  Are you in the kitchen, in bed, in the lobby, on the train?

2.  What am I doing?  Sitting? Standing?  Lying down?  Hear the quietness.

3.  What do I notice?  Ex. the sound of the radiator, the humming of the birds, the noise outside, people talking, stacks of paper, etc.  Just take it all in, while remaining still.

4.  How do I feel in this moment?  Notice if you are comfortable or not.  Are you worried about something?  Are you stressed?  Do you feel good?  .... in this moment, in the stillness...

5.  What can I be thankful for in this moment, in this stillness?  Thank you that the heater is giving heat?  Thank you for my warm sweater?  Thank you for the softness of the sheets?  Thank you for my tablet?  Thank you for the money in my wallet...I can buy things with it?  Think of anything at this moment.

This exercise will help slow down the thought process and make you aware of things you otherwise would not notice if you were being robotic or in a rush or chasing after something.  This is also a good way to relax and to stop and take it all in, for a moment.

Namaste.

"Should" Overload

Depression is the result of what I call a SHOULD overload in the brain.  When the mind is overloaded with should statements, the person's system shuts down and the person, thus, can no longer function.

SHOULD statements:
1.  I should be loved.
2.  I should be liked.
3.  I should be successful.
4.  I should have lots of friends.
5.  I should have a man/woman.
6.  I should have more money.
7.  I should look good.
8.  I should be a good person.
9.  I should be perfect.
10. I should do everything right.
11. I should be healthy.
12. ETC.

WHAT TO DO:  Understand the SHOULD statements in your mind by QUESTIONING them one by one.

Is it true that I have to be loved?  Maybe I should love me first before I require others to love me.  Maybe it's not their job to love me.  Why do I need to be loved?  Answer those questions honestly and deeply.  Meditate on the questions.  Write it down.

The Work of Byron Katie has 4 basic questions you can use to do inquiry...best done by writing thoughts and feelings on paper and meditating.

Example:  I SHOULD BE LOVED (by others).

Question 1:  Is it true that YOU SHOULD BE LOVED be others?  yes/no
Question 2:  Are you absolutely sure it is true, that YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  yes/no
Question 3:  How do you react when you believe the thought YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  describe your feelings
Question 4:  Who would you be without the thought YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  imagine that you don't believe the thought

Then turn the statement around to the opposite - I should NOT be loved by others.
then give 3 examples of why that might be true.

Sample of 3 examples of why "I should NOT be loved by others" can be true:
--I should love myself first.
--No one can love perfectly, really.
--Other people might be having difficulties in life that we don't know about.

Do the questioning process for all your should statements so that one by one they will dissolve into thin air.  It will be like a burden is lifted off your shoulders.

Namaste.

Leveraging What You Already Have

In T.D. Jakes' best-selling book Instinct, he talks about heightened awareness of our instinctive pre-wiring.  He says that by changing our inner world we then change our outer world.

Inspired by this book, I made a list of things we already have...our powers, so to speak, that were given to us when we came into this world.  They are:

Reasoning Power
Awareness
Reflection
Thinking
Analysis
Imagination
Expression
Change
Intelligence
Problem-Solving
Creativity
Learning Ability
Growing
Wisdom
Desiring

We were given all these resources or qualities or abilities..., in order that we may negotiate our way through life.  Leverage these resources.  Don't take them foregranted.  They are there at your disposal!

Your Therapist's Style

I have had several therapists since the late 1990s.  I realize now how differently each one of them approached the science of therapy.  Their methods were so far apart.  So get to know, as much as possible, what your therapist's attitude is about therapy.  I had a therapist who hardly spoke back to me.  I realized now that she believed, as I did then, that therapy was just a means to "express" your thoughts and feelings...a way to unload.  On rare occasions, when she felt compelled, she would say something back to me.  I also had a therapist who would act up if I would complain about being depressed.  At first, I thought it was odd and unfair.  I noticed that she was happy when we were just chatting about books or family events.  I realize now that it was her way of helping me get "socialized,"  -- learning how to "chat" with people.  And she never wanted me to focus on the negative, so she kind of kicked my ass when I would start to whine.  It seemed cruel, but I get her point now.  My current therapist is a trauma specialist, so I make sure I take advantage of that fact.  I understand how she usually connects my worries today with my childhood "traumas," and I learn so much from that perspective.  Therapy only works if you know how to take advantage of your sessions.  Know what makes your therapist tic!

Therapy Works from Both Sides of the Coin

Therapy works well if you consider both sides.  It's not just about your story, but the story of the person you are in a relationship with.  If you complain about someone, whether it's a family member, a friend, or a colleague, or even a stranger, you obviously will tell your side of the story.  But the therapist can help you better, if you also give the other person's side of the story.  In most cases, people hurt other people, not on purpose, but because 1) that's the only communication style they know, 2) they misunderstood you, 3) they don't trust other people's intentions, 4) they're very sensitive, etc.  I know people who are very direct when they speak.  They may sound stern and insensitive, but they just don't want to sugarcoat things.  There are also others who always think they are being manipulated.  So they take offense easily with any small thing.  And there are those who are victims of their own upbringing.  They act that way with everybody, so you cannot take them personally.  All this have to be considered by the therapist, so the therapist can make a truth-based analysis of your situation.  If you don't consider the human condition of others, you may be hurting for no good reason.  Help the therapist help you by giving both sides of the story.  For example, if you talk to your therapist about your mother, how she neglected you...don't forget to tell her that she bought you a car when you needed one.

Unemployment and Thinking Outside the Box

If you find yourself unemployed these days, look at it as an opportunity to think outside the box.  All our working lives, we live as slaves of the corporation.  We're afraid of being fired, or we get disgruntled because we are paid so little.  So if you are unemployed right now, rejoice!  It forces you to think outside the box.  Give up the old ways of thinking.  Look around you, observe, brainstorm about ways to make money.  Evaluate your budget.  Do you really need so much money?  If you don't have the latest gadget, are you afraid you will be rejected by your peers?  Are you free?  A lot of our fears are fears of rejection that put us in a box.  Break out of that box.  Think of all the fears that keep you inside the box.  Break out of the box!  Society can reject you for being different or poor, but you can bear it.  In exchange for that rejection is your freedom.  Are you afraid of being homeless?  Are you afraid of begging?  When I lost my job, I felt like my life was over.  I felt like I lost my identity, because my job gave me my self-worth.  But I learned to budget and penny pinch.  I discovered a new joy from being with very little money, but I have my mind for thinking and my heart for creativity. I began to notice my surroundings.  I used to ignore the trees and the flowers.  I used to ignore how much money I already had, compared to nothing.  And I discovered that there's no such thing as nothing.  There is everything in my life...I just didn't focus on them because my mind was focused on my lack.  I was always thinking that I lacked this, I lacked that.  And I ignored what I already had, and how much worth it had.  I found enjoyment from a simple sandwich for lunch...two slices of whole wheat bread and cheese, but being in peace.  I found enjoyment in just sitting outside with a cup of coffee and being with my thoughts.  I began to understand where I invested my time and effort.  My values changed.  I learned to value the "small" things in life.  Now, I value being able to wake up in the morning.  I value my intelligence and creativity because I can discover how to live an authentic life, instead of life in a box.

Where is the Real You?

We always want to know what the trend is, so we are not left behind.  Society tells us that our only purpose is to win and be successful, according to the norm.  Oftentimes, we confuse what society wants with what we want for ourselves.  We're afraid to not be like the others.  We cannot find our own voice in the midst of all the other voices -- our teachers', our friends', our parents', our colleagues', the media's, etc.  T.D. Jakes tells us to follow our gut in order to be connected to our true self.  Eckhart Tolle tells us to learn to be conscious at all times.  Byron Katie teaches us to question our thinking.  These are many ways that can help us find the real you, so that you can feel at ease, so you are living an authentic life.  Living an authentic life brings so much peace and happiness and limitless joy.  The real you is there, at your core, in your center.  Find it and discover that everything you really want, you already have.  It's not out there, it's in here.  Don't be afraid of being with your self.  Your self is your true guide.  You will find God there.

The Subconscious

My premise is that there's a place down deep inside where we know everything we need to know about life.  Whatever we're looking for is inside us.  We just need to unlock the door to our inner self, tune in to our inner voice, and access our subconscious.  Our goal is to find that inner guide, to get in touch with that deep part of ourselves that knows everything.

The way to tap into the subconscious is to be aware of your mental pain or sense of "unease."  Go to every nook and cranny of your subconscious.  Every time you feel mental pain or unease, stop for a moment and pay attention to the feelings and thoughts.  Get to know what is making you suffer, what is bothering you, no matter how subtle the feeling.  Use your pain as a source of information. Everything and anything you feel, think or believe is information.  Knowledge is power.  Who knows you better than any other person on earth?  The answer is:  you.  You are the experiencer.  You only need to trust yourself and connect with your inner self.

Some common subconscious beliefs are:
-I'm not good enough
-Nobody loves me
-Life is difficult
-I need to be loved

I used to have these thoughts that always made me feel uncomfortable, separate from others, like an outsider.  But eventually, I realized that I was holding on to these beliefs without questioning their validity.  I realized that those negative beliefs were absolutely not true.  I only believed them because I believed the stories from the news, from TV, from movies, from magazines.  Of course I don't need to be good enough for others.  And once I stopped believing those thoughts, I found out that life was easy, not difficult.

Once the subconscious is unlocked, cravings will go away, aches and pains will disappear, our health will be better and we will feel an "easing up" and a sense of clarity in our thoughts, and lightheartedness.  We may even have visions.  It will be easy to let go and we can desire with ease.

Being Authentic

Being authentic can be hard for some of us, because the voice of the inner critic is so strong, telling you that others are better than you.  When you look up to someone because he or she looks so "together," what happens to your authenticity?  These are some reactions that we have when we think others are better than us:
We copy other people's ways, cultures, standards (we lack originality)
We're too hard on ourselves (perfectionistic)
We don't allow ourselves to make mistakes
We always feel that others are judging us -- being too self-conscious
We compare ourselves to others, always
We don't allow ourselves to be different, therefore, creativity is stifled
We have to prove to others that we are good (needing validation)
We need to feel important, in order to measure up
We cannot explore or expand, for fear of ridicule
We fear exclusion
We cannot fail, for fear of rejection
We need the approval of others, to know we're right

If you want to be authentic, notice how you feel.  Stop every now and then and notice.  If you don't feel good, stop.  Identify the feeling.  Ask questions.  Clarify.

Be aware of the moment.  Do this throughout the day.  Feel the experience.  What's good about it, what's bad about it?  What blessings are you receiving right now?  Identify your feelings and desires at the moment.

Awareness will guide you and point you to the solutions.  Connect with your inner being and notice how slowly but surely, you are becoming aware of who you really are.

Are Others Better Than You?

Are you comfortable always measuring up to "better than" standards?  For example:  If you don't feel beautiful or smart, like others, what would the consequences be for you?  We are always overcompensating.

We learned in childhood, and even later on into adulthood, the notion of "better than" -- that other groups or people or cultures or other ways are "better."

"Better than" groups are exclusive.  Some examples are:  Aristocracy, Executives (glass ceiling, bamboo ceiling), royalty, expensive neighborhoods, elite schools, religions.

People define "better than" categories based on:  economic status, beauty standards, job titles, age, sexual orientation, religion, race.

What was your experience with the notion of "better than?" -- when you thought others were better, or they thought you were not as good as them.  Look at your own situation and examine your beliefs around this concept.  This way, it will become clear to you that being better is not that important to you after all, because in reality, there is no one person or thing that is really better than you.  The truth is you just want to be yourself.

When You Assume

Assumptions come from our interpretation of our experiences, our surroundings and what we learn from others.  Assumptions become our beliefs that we then internalize.

If you don't feel good about yourself, what do you assume about the world?  Or, what is your belief about life?

Beliefs can be very subjective -- meaning that they are not absolute truths, but are based on your emotions, interpretations, perceptions, and even biases.

Assumptions or beliefs are very powerful because many times they are in the unconscious and are invisible.  They are difficult to identify and see, and yet they determine the extent of our goals and dreams, actions and behaviors.

As we form our assumptions and beliefs, we tend to generalize and magnify.  So for example, if your boyfriend breaks up with you, you start believing that there's something very wrong with you, that life is unfair, that relationships are scary, and that all men are the same.  Your opinion of relationships and men become negative.  So you start making assumptions based on your feelings.

What if you assume that there is something very wrong with you?  That would certainly limit you in many ways.  Are you basing your assumption on how others see you?  We only grow by learning from our experiences.  Without experiences, we become stunted.  And the idea is that the next time, we will know more and have a better experience.

When you experience something bad, like a break-up or loss of employment or an insult, notice the things that you quietly say to yourself.  You make assumptions:  "I am doomed," "I can't go on," "I'm no good," etc.  Ask yourself if those statements are really true and what is the evidence?  Intellectually, we know that they are not true, but we become emotional and start generalizing and magnifying.

Get to know your negative assumptions about life, people, and situations.  Question them.  Are they true?  Most likely, they are are not abolutely true.

Low Self Esteem: Self-Assessment

There are many negative feelings and thoughts associated with low self-esteem.  Some of them are the following:
-Afraid to express ideas and opinion
-Not believing in self and abilities
-Not wanting to test abilities, ideas
-Thinking scarcity
-Avoidance, Retreat, Hiding
-Feeling weak
-Cannot take rejection

If you jot down some of your criticisms about yourself, you will be able to analyze and reflect on them.  Ask yourself this question:  What then?

If you're afraid to express your ideas and opinions, what happens?  Some answers to this particular question could be:
-I will not be able to participate fully.
-I will not be able to express myself.
-My feelings will be bottled up inside.
-I will not be able to grow.
-I will feel bad about myself.
If you don't believe in your self and your abilities, what will happen?
-You'll be bored.
-You'll feel stuck.
-You cannot test your abilities.
-You will not find out the truth.

You can see how your behavior is driven by negative feelings and thoughts that can affect the quality of your life, and can lead to depression.
Try this exercise.  Listen to the voice of your inner critic.  What is it saying about yourself?  It's a good way to get to know yourself.  Self-knowledge is the way to freedom.  Take your time, relax and get paper and pencil and start writing.

The Seeds of Depression

It seems that one day, all of a sudden, I was depressed -- as if depression came overnight...because my boyfriend broke up with me, or I lost my job, or I have a serious illness.  But in hindsight, the depression didn't really happen so suddenly like that.  The seeds of depression were sown in my mind in previous years, maybe since I was a young girl.  And the path to healing was through self-knowledge.  Basically, I asked myself so many questions about myself, as if I were being interviewed on TV.  I was mostly interested in two things:
1) My perceptions about people and events, and life in general.  How did I form these perceptions? Well, for example, as a young girl, I would visit my aunt's house to watch TV or just be with people.  My father didn't believe in TV's and appliances.  The house was bare and there was no paint.  Whereas my aunt's house was painted and I saw many colors in the living room, which was richly decorated with miniature ships and Japanese dolls.  And they had a sofa that was green.  My father was an alcoholic and my mother was absent because she went to America to get a job as a teacher, and my sister was away in boarding school.  So there were many times when I was alone with only my thoughts and my imagination to keep me company.  The perceptions began to formulate in my mind, such as:  I'm poor, they're better than me, nobody loves me, and paint is better than no paint.  Those perceptions grew stronger and stronger until they became permanent, like beliefs -- no matter that they weren't really true.  I just felt that way:  not important because we don't have a TV.  I started imagining that I was on my death bed and how sorry people were for neglecting me. These are just examples of how I formed perceptions in my head that became the "truth" for me.  Can you imagine what other sorts of perceptions I had in my head from watching the images on the television set?
I also looked into...
2) my self-image.  Because I thought my cousins were rich and I was poor, I felt that I was inferior.  And I started to weave a story of how sad my life was and I even made sure I knew my place in society so I won't be hated.  I thought I wasn't supposed to speak.  Or that I had to be smart to get even.  Or that I wasn't attractive.  The self-image of a powerless, unlovable, victim started to form.  And I went through life thinking this was who I was.  And I thought to myself:  Of course, I'm not lovable, that's why people don't like me! I couldn't think otherwise.

But today, the perceptions and the self-image I grew up with have been questioned.  I questioned relentlessly my beliefs.  Is it true that I am inferior to others?  Is it true that others are better?  Is it true that I am a victim?  Is it true that life is hard?  Is it true that nobody loves me?  And then I asked again:  Is it absolutely true?  Of course, the answer was No.  Nowadays, I'm free of most of those false ideas.  As the cobwebs are swept away from my mind, I can see with crystal clarity, that I am not a victim.  This led the way to healing, and now I can say that for the most part I am not depressed anymore.

There are two authors who taught me about questioning my negative thoughts and being conscious.  They are Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.  Please read any of their books, if you want to try to start unraveling the unconscious and discovering your thoughts that make you suffer.

I can't be happy, unless my nose is perfect, ...

I know people who say:  I can't be happy, unless my mother loves me, unless I find prince charming, unless I have a lot of money, unless my nose is perfect, etc.  This is like putting myself in a box.  So I ask: Why limit happiness to one single thing?  I think that by exploring other things that make us feel good, we can become more healthy emotionally.  Many times, we don't really notice the moments or situations that make us happy, because they are momentary, and because we want to brush it aside so we can focus on that one thing only, which is:  I need to have a promotion, I need to look good, I have to be beautiful, I have to be intelligent, I have to be a snob, I have to be hardworking, I need my nose fixed, etc.  If I suddenly feel good about something, whether it's the perfectly tasting latte, or that great movie, or that cool air that was suddenly refreshing -- I want to stop for a moment or for a whole day and think how good that felt.  It was only a latte, only a movie, only cool air, but it made me feel good and woke me up from thinking.  Feel how something so "insignificant" in your life, had the power to make you stop and forget your troubles.  It's those moments that I want to explore and look for and think about, because they're just right outside my doorstep.

Too young to realize...that I should have brought you flowers

I love this Bruno Mars song.  It inspired me to talk about it, thinking about the period in my life when I didn't realize much.  I have the tendency to beat myself up for not knowing any better.  I spend hours and days doing this, as if it were just a matter of forgetfulness or not paying attention.  But in reality, there are periods in our lives when we really don't know any better, for so many reasons.  No matter how hard we try to figure things out, the doors to our mind and heart are closed.  As a teenager and even when I was 40 years old, I was literally "clueless."  I just did what my parents told me to do or I just copied what my older sister did.  I was not awake.  I was like sleep-walking throughout my younger life.  It never occurred to me that I could direct my life on my own, as an adult.  But life eventually wakes you up from your slumber.  One time, I heard my boss tell this young woman:  "I could see yourself as a successful woman in corporate America someday."  For some reason, that woke me up.  So I decided that I would work in a corporation, and see what the big deal was all about.  I got really psyched.  Of course, no matter how misdirected the thought may have been, it opened my eyes to something different in life.  There were signs of life in me.  The pot was being stirred.

What I learned from this Bruno Mars song is this: don't cry over spilled milk.

Liking Your Voice

I would wait patiently, until I heard that distinct voice that was uniquely mine, that came from my heart.  I started learning not to judge, to just notice it.  I watched how my work started to change in a nice way.  When I write now, I notice how the sentences sparkle and shine -- at least for me.  I learned to love my voice, and nurture it.  Each of us has his or her own distinct voice.  Allow that distinct voice to dominate.  That's who you are.  That is the "I am."  Experiment with your voice.  Suspend judgement.  Then sit back and let your work dazzle you.  In the end, I fell in love with my voice -- for now my writer's voice.  I want to be with it.  I want to get to know it better and completely.  That is true self-love.  It takes courage to validate your true self; but it's the only way to discover how beautiful we all are in our hearts.

First, you have to find it -- your voice.  You can do this when you're working.  As you go about your work, notice that voice that is distinctly your own.  Notice the quality -- there are many.  Maybe it's a doubting voice, or a curious voice, or a questioning voice.  For me, I grew to like the doubting voice; I use it in my writing.  But there's that critical voice, which I don't like because it makes me think of other people's work.  Then I would compare.  Is my work "as good" as his or her work?  This is how my voice wanders around in my work.  The voice is actually very interesting.  If you observe how it forms the work, how the shape changes, how the colors shimmer, it likes to accuse or emphasize certain parts.  So get to know your voice, find it, and then be friends with it.  You can apply the process of finding your voice when doing any kind of work or in any situation.

What's True and What's Not True?

I learned to believe certain things about myself by listening to my parents, by looking at glamorous women in magazines, by looking up to my sister, by idolizing my teachers, in awe of other people and different surroundings.  I based my self-worth on how other people treated me, good or bad.  Because I was always looking for someone else to love me, and because I was always looking at the outside world, I started believing I wasn't good enough, or I wasn't pretty enough, or that other people were luckier than me.  Those were the things I believed in.  I thought they were the truth.  But now I ask myself:  is it true?  Is it true that I'm not good enough?  I set up such high standards for myself, wanting to do everything the right way, not allowing my own ideas to flow, trying to fit in with other people's standards.  Instead I let other people rule me.  Is it true that other people are luckier?  It seems that way on the outside.  But who knows how it is on the inside.  How do you look at life in general? And how you view other people's lives?  Make a list.  For example, "she's beautiful, so she must be lucky in love."  Or "he's rich so he's happier than me."  Or "life is difficult, always."   Then ask yourself if the belief is true.  I learned the art of questioning my thinking from The Work of Byron Katie.  She uses four basic questions when doing inquiry about a belief:
1.  Is it true?
2.  Is it absolutely true?
3.  How do you react when you believe the thought/belief?
4.  Who would you be without the thought/belief?
When you're done with this exercise, separate what's true from what's not true, after you have re-evaluated.  Then look at the picture that emerges.  This will help allow your ideas to flow which will bring you to another dimension.  To get better acquainted with this type of inquiry, go to thework.com.

Are You Setting Yourself Up for Depression?

The first glimpses of life at an early stage actually became the truths I held on to throughout my adult years. My vision of life grew out of that child's eyes and mind.  When I got depressed , chances are that I can look back to my childhood and find the connection.  I thought I wasn't treated right by my family, friends, teachers, society -- back then -- so my view of people, in general, became warped. That is how we sow the seeds of depression.  The negative beliefs have collected in the brain, latent but simmering, ready to explode when the bubble bursts.

But can we still blame others for our depression once we've become adults?  Yes, it seems so much easier to blame someone else rather than moving on actively to find that place where we can find peace.  We focus on how to get justice and how to prove them wrong.  But the reality is, only I can get myself out of the hole, not someone else.

As an adult, I become at some point the creator of my life.  It's hard to believe that I truly have a choice.  And controlling the situation seems very frustrating.  But it's not really about control.  Rather, it is about my ability to turn to my own self for the love I'm always looking for.  Because the truth is:  I am quite good at loving people.

Filling our hearts with sadness, anger, hate and blame is quite a big set up for failure.  As humans, we are creators, after all.  I started creating imaginary walls, creating enemies, creating hiding places in my life, creating limitations, creating separations; and in the process, denying myself all those good feelings that come with good thoughts, good experiences, a good life.  To me, life had to be a certain way...very far from reality.  The mental pain came from forcing the issue.  Life had to be a specific way.  Otherwise, it was "not" a worthy life.  I started creating stories in my head about other people, about me, about life, that made me feel stuck.  Finally, I put myself in a corner and the result was shut-down.  In other words, depression.

Independent Mind

My mantra these days is "Independent Mind."  Of course no one can be totally independent of others, but I strive to be independent-minded as much as I can.  What I mean by that is I focus on my own rather on other people's ideas and opinions and way of doing things.  I realized, when first I stumbled upon my independent mind, how much easier it was to be.  Growing up in Filipino culture, class consciousness was the norm, so that people treated you nice or not depending on what they thought your class were.  I started interpreting this class distinction as the bible for how I should be:  I should wear nice clothes, I should be wealthy, I should look good, I should be intelligent, I should have a nice house, I should be a good girl, etc.  I wanted people to treat me a certain way, so I surrendered to the rules of society, that's what happened.  These days, I'm mindful of how I react to what I see or hear outside of my self.  Having an independent mind allows me to prosper from my inner core.  This way, I connect with people through my authentic self, no matter what my class is.  The more I tune in to the real me, the "I am," the more content I feel,  the more gentle I am with myself, and the more "independent mind" I have.

Reality vs. The Ideal

A lot of times it is really hard to understand reality.  We ask:  why is this happening?  And clearly, the answer is:  because it is happening, it's called reality.  The most common mistake in life is idealizing persons or situations.  Life should be easy.  And yet, life is difficult.  My mother doesn't love me, and yet some mothers cannot love -- that's reality.  So the ideal, such as mothers should love their children, a lot of times does not happen.  But we expect the ideal to happen, so we experience a lot of pain because it doesn't happen.  Why do we keep expecting the ideal, when reality is always different.  Women don't always become good mothers, and yet we perpetuate the belief that all mothers should love their children.  That is why children feel so hurt when the mother is incapable of loving. This causes a lot of mental pain.  We have to believe that not all women know how to parent a child, much less love a child.  And yet we always question the quality of a mother's love.  People, like women, struggle with their limitations in coping with life's many challenges and hurdles.  It is so easy to hate and become confused, angry, disillusioned, dysfunctional, or lost or even unaware of one's own behavior.  People are that way.  So why should women be different just because they bear children?  Reality does not fit this ideal we have invented about a mother's love.  Yes, there are many mothers who love, but there are also many who do not love.  If nobody loves you, you become more independent.  Isn't that good, in a way?  Why do we teach our children to get their self-worth from their mothers or husbands or wives, instead of loving their own selves and getting love from anyone who really loves them?  Isn't a friend's love good enough?  Is a mother's love superior?  That's why we anguish so much when she is so cold.

Look at the Bright Spot?

I learned something valuable today from someone at a depression meetup I attended.  This is what I learned:  If you have a bright spot in your life right now, in the middle of your depression, focus on it as if it were the only thing that was important in your life.  Focus on it, no matter how insignificant it may seem.  It could be a dance class that you attend once a week, or your pet puppy that keeps you on your toes.  Whatever that bright spot is, value it with all your heart.  It may seem useless to others, but it doesn't matter, because you know how it makes you feel.  Once you start paying more attention to that bright spot, you'll remember it more, and that bright spot will grow brighter and brighter, bigger and bigger.  For someone else, she said she likes watching documentaries about crimes, because it makes her feel that she's not the only one who has a twisted life experience.  For some people, that would sound weird and something you wouldn't recommend.  But don't judge that bright spot.  It comes in all shapes and sizes.