You're the Boss of You

People get depressed because they focus on others and what's outside.  Negative thoughts, such as I'm not good enough, etc., can ruin your entire life.  The more you think negative thoughts, the more they grow and multiply inside your head.  You need a home, an anchor, inside of you that would neutralize these vicious negative thoughts.

Living up to society's standards is impossible.  You think you are not a success, but the other is.  But Life is big, wide and abundant.  Life is huge.  You cannot go by how others live it.  That would limit you.  That's why you don't get it.  There are a gazillion ways to live life.  You have to deal with Life according to who you are, the one that's got the unique finger print.  You can go by how you see it -- your own way.  You're the one who knows what tickles you or delights you or scares you inside, in private.  There's this you that you need to explore -- the breadth and depth of it.  This unique you is wide and deep.  There's so much to know about your true self -- the unknown.  Take the time to get to know it.  It could take years or even a lifetime, but it's so worth it.  How come you don't know who you really are?  Because you focus on others.  There's only one you that is different from the others.  The real you is where home is.  That's where peace is. 

Are you comfortable where you are sitting?  Shift your body a bit until you find that sweet spot...that awareness of your own self.  Who might that you be who does not always look around for validation, who does not compare itself to others and wondering what's going on outside so it can do the same?  Wonder what's going on with the real you instead?  You'll be surprised at the truth you will find about the real you...and it will astound and delight you...if you really try. 

You don't feel good enough because there's this picture of life that you think is the way it should be.  But no one person has the correct recipe for life, for everyone.  It's individual and diverse and goes according to you, the one and only you.  Be yourself...try it out.  It's scary but it's the only way out and the only path to true happiness.

There is actually a manual for life.  Do you know where it is?  It's inside you.  You have your own take on life that's yours alone.  Don't make it less important than other people's take on life.  That's theirs, not yours.  What if there were no trends or fads or the majority?  What then?  Follow your own heart and mind..  Who would you go by but yourself?  Because you're different from others.  That's why I made as many paragraphs as I wanted on this post.  It's according to my delight, not what others see as correct.

Setting the Bar too High

I was feeling blah today, not quite sure what to do with myself or with the day that was extreme.  I looked over my journal to see what ideas to focus on, such as looking at the glass half full or reminding myself that I grew up in a dynastic family culture which was constraining, or maybe focus on the idea of being authentic.  Being authentic...hmmm...   How can I apply that to my day?  The more bad I felt just thinking about it.  I went outside and sat at my favorite corner of the fast food restaurant and opened my journal, pen in hand.  I kept looking at the words...being authentic.  I couldn't shake off the bad feeling.  I was struggling for almost an hour.  Finally, I gave up.  I told myself I would just sleep it off.  It would be nice to snuggle under the warm blanket, even though, at the back of my head, that it was a loser's job to do that.  As I started to pack my things, voila!  I was awake all of a sudden as if the burden was lifted off my shoulder.  I started feeling good and relaxed and energized.  I figured out what the problem was.  I was forcing myself to be authentic, when in fact, it doesn't happen all the time to human beings.  And I probably was already being authentic, so it was overkill.  I realized then that even with doing work with my Self, I was thinking too big instead of small.  I was getting carried away and going overboard and being too hard on myself, to the point of pressuring myself to be authentic, thus, feeling bad about it.  I sat some more, savoring the moment of joy and peace.  What a glorious day it turned out to be, as I enjoyed listening to the background music.

Please note that my behavior came from a subconscious thought (You have to be authentic all the time.)  I wasn't really fully aware that I was being too hard on myself.  I only knew that I was feeling bad and didn't know why.  I also knew at that moment that being authentic was a liberating idea.  But I did not understand that going overboard and setting the bar too high, even on such a noble thing as being authentic, can cause harm to the self.

So in general, setting the bar to high on relationships and life in general can cause too much anxiety and even depression or panic attacks.  Be kind to yourself, even if it were only yourself.  Perfectionism can cause emotional disturbances, and be aware that your feelings of perfectionism can be subconscious and therefore, hard to detect.  So again, don't be too hard on yourself.

How to Succeed in Therapy

Therapy most often is a process much like peeling an onion.  There are many layers of issues to peel and there are many levels of breakthroughs.  To get the most out of your therapy sessions, here are some tips:

• Pursue the truth with ardor.
• Who am I?
• Why can't I be myself?
• Question your behavior or beliefs that bother you.
•  What am I doing with my life?
• Tell the therapist your personal goals.
• I don't want to be a robot
• I want to be authentic
• I want to be confident
•  Be aware of your subconscious.
• I want to fit in
• I want to be liked
• I want to do what others are doing
• What do I like?
• Focus on one issue only and understand it fully until it's resolved completely.
• How do I react?
• How do I treat myself and others when I don't feel good about something?
• What images do you see in your mind?
• Ask for a treatment plan so your sessions are focused.
• Be conscientious and do the work after the session, review your notes.

Your Compass

It's good to check your inner compass every now and then.  Take 20 to 60 minutes or just a few minutes in the day to stop and reflect.  Ask yourself if you are where you want to be.  Are you going in the right direction?  How do you feel in the moment?  Is there one small step you can take on your journey to your destination?  Just wait quietly for the answer.  Trust your compass.  It will guide you.

It was raining that day that I thought of this.  I stopped and observed the raindrops outside the glass window.  I noticed how the droplets would fall on the ground and splash on the cars.  It was a very Buddhist moment.  If you can create moments like these, you will be able to meditate on your inner compass and get to where you would like to be.

Namaste.

Creative Block?

Every civilization comes up with a system, true and tried, that becomes the prescription for living.  So everybody just follows, thus, losing the creative drive.  If you want to fit in, you follow the way of society.

Here are some suggestions to unblock the creative:

--You can get ideas when you are observing, seeing, feeling the moment.  For example, today I was observing the rain drops outside the glass window.  I was waiting for the rain to stop, so I could leave the place.  I was just watching the rain.

--Making art is not about ability or talent or achievement.  It's about expression, reflection, discernment and use of the senses.

--If there's any purpose to art, it is to be in the moment and to connect with your inner world.

--What is the feeling, impression that you like about what is in front of you?...and then keep the answer with you to guide your art.

--Art is not about fitting in or what to do with your life.

--Look at other artworks to get inspired.

--Art is about authenticity.

--Art has to do with trusting your inner compass.

--Art or learning is about how you do it your way, rather than how others do it.

--Focus on working on a small area of the art and notice how much work gets into the creating of art.

--Don't rush!  It will take some time to arrive at your destination, but it will be worth the wait.

--Stop and reflect for 20 minutes.  Walk or look out the window or look at the sky or the rain.  Feel your inner compass and ask yourself if you are in the "right" direction, but don't ask if it is perfect.

--Change your vocabulary.  Do you like it?  Rather than thinking of achieving a masterpiece.


Art can be a learning process.  When I paint, I notice how the brush creates feelings and images, by accident or on purpose.  The color can express a certain idea or feeling.  Even the mistakes lead you to a new idea.  I feel that when I create, all of a sudden the canvass comes to life!  The bigger the challenge, the bigger the value of what you learn from hurdling it.

Light Therapy

Whenever I feel down or depressed or stressed out or confused, I use light therapy to get me up again and right back on track.  The basic and most powerful source of light is sunshine.  So take advantage of the days when the sun is shining so brightly.  Light therapy is very powerful.  Do it for a few days, maybe three days, and just sit and enjoy the sunshine.  Know that it is working on your consciousness.  Notice how the sunlight floods the room or how it's reflected on any surface.  And feel the warmth of the sun.  If there is no sunlight, you can use a light bulb preferrably from a spotlight lamp.  Just focus on light for the next few days and bask in its warmth.  Light has been proven scientifically to have a positive effect on a person's mood.  What actually happens is that when the focus of the mind is on light, our thoughts start to shift to the positive.  Just sit quietly and meditate on the sun or any light.  Feel it's effect.  This is a great way to focus on something bright.  And when you do this, the negative thoughts weaken.  But if you do light therapy constantly, the negative thoughts eventually disappear.  And what you'll experience is peace, well being and satisfaction in whatever is in front of you.  What happened to me was... I was able to get to that place where my real self resides, and what a glorious feeling that is to experience it.  I feel authentic finally.

The Pain of Trying to Achieve

If you are not happy with how life is treating you, I have one suggestion.

Find something that you can do or have as a means to explore.  Think of playing or experimenting, instead of achieving.  Look at it as discovery instead of achievement.  Wanting so much to achieve can be painful, if you are not in the right frame of mind.  But when you do something for the love of it or simply to see what happens when you do this or do that, you get a different feeling.  It's just easier and you feel overjoyed by what you discover or what you learn about your work or life in general.  Life can change for the better just because you tweaked your mind to think in a different way.

Take art, for example.  With this new mind, I don't get stuck when I want to create a painting.  Without the pressure to achieve a masterpiece, painting is no longer painful.  I just sketch a little bit and then wait until something creative happens.  The canvass comes to life all of a sudden, because I'm trying out how this color works or how the way I hold the brush works...just having fun with experimenting.  An impression of something starts to build.  I stop and look at it from a small distance and ideas start to flow.  This time, I ask myself what I like about it...not if it's perfect.  So many things I can do now with the creative process.  What a relief.

This mental freedom requires psychological conditioning, but it's so worth it because, like I said, the door to your imagination opens up.

No Matter Where You Are in Life

No matter where you are or no matter what stage you are at, life is teaching you something about life.

I have been unemployed for a long time...and it is a hard pill to swallow.  It seems like I have no identity unless I have a job.  But after a while, I realized that life was painting a different picture for me.  I used to wake up to the thought that my life was over...that I had nothing...that I was no good.  But having learned about mindfulness in the past, I started to reflect on the situation. There's no train to catch.  Now what?

After examining my thoughts and feelings surrounding the new life I was given, I started to notice things I didn't pay attention to when I was working.  When I was working, I was always rushing and worried about bills, deadlines, job performance, getting a raise, never having enough time for everything I thought I had to do and always afraid of what people would think of me if I made a mistake or if I failed in something.

But now, I have time to prepare breakfast mindfully and sit down at the table thinking only about what's in front of me.  I am learning something new...like being in school, in a different school.  I would go to the kitchen and I notice what a good kitchen it is.  I would look out and see the hustle and bustle outside the window.  I noticed that was good...no problem here.  While eating breakfast, I feel that the nourishment was preparing me for the day. Life is teaching me something precious, which I wouldn't have learned otherwise, if I had a 9 to 5 job.

This new school is teaching me that life is better, in a way, when you are mindful and not rushing so much, afraid of being late or failing.  I have at lot less money, but that's good because I am learning new and wonderful ways of spending and satisfying myself...making do with what I have.  Now, that's a different place from thinking you do not have enough.  There is no problem.  Only the truth to be learned.  I am happy with anticipation of creating a different reality for me that is sweet and dare I say...blessed.

Whatever life is teaching you at a particular moment or experience, don't take it forgranted.  Listen, observe, contemplate.  It's giving you the key that will unlock your potential and your happiness.

The Negative Mind

The mind is usually full of negative thoughts, because as human beings, we tend to pay attention to the negative thoughts or situation, rather than on the positive.  We put so much importance on a negative situation, and minimize what's positive or even healthy for us,  We don't focus on the positive because we have been conditioned to minimize the value of a sunny day, a nice short walk, warm gloves, cozy pajamas or heat from the radiator.  We have been conditioned to think that what's important are things that make us look successful or look good in the eyes of others.

What are negative thoughts?  These are thoughts that make you suffer.  Any time you are thinking any of the following thoughts, your mind is on the negative:

For example:

• It shouldn't be raining.
• My shoes are too tight.
• Nobody loves me.
• I need to be loved by someone.
• I need to feel important.

Thoughts like these cause discomfort and sometimes illnesses.  If you have a back ache or any body ache, for sure you are focusing on a negative thought.   They also cause problems in relationships, because you cannot really connect positively if you are in pain.  Negative thoughts cause physical and mental pain, so be aware, because it may not be obvious to you what the that thought is.

My 2015 Plan

Hello dear friends, I wish all of you a very Happy and Healthy New Year.

I just want to share with you some of my New Year's resolutions.  Basically, I want to keep it simple for 2015...no big projects or ideas of success.  I think these will be doable.

• I'll try not to be a robot.

•  When I fold my clothes after washing, I want to notice the collars and the sleeves and the hem.

• I want to appreciate Art by:
• maybe going to galleries
• surfing art blogs
• listening to artists being interviewed

•  I want to be different, authentic

• I want to practice "building"...whether it be muscles, character, a business, or a cake; setting a good foundation to make whatever it is...strong

• I want to appreciate the simple things during the cold weather, such as:
• a very warm scarf
• a heater that is steaming
• the sun shining so brightly in the living room
• Japanese Art

May 2015 run smoothly; may there be less bumps on the road; may we all find beauty and happiness from the simple things in life.

Benefits of a Quiet Mind

The best way for me to clear the mind is to question our thinking.  If you have a thought about a situation that is making you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself if the thought is true and if the thought is absolutely true.  Go to thework.com to learn about inquiry from my teacher, Byron Katie.

The benefits of a Quiet Mind are:

• you can remain calm even if there's a stressful situation
• you can be present in the moment
• you can enjoy the moment
• you can focus on the now
• your relationships will be healthier
• your communication will be clearer and authentic
• you can solve problems objectively
• you can be creative

Finding Yourself

You can't be happy until you can be yourself, alone or with others.  To find the real you, do inquiry.  Question your thoughts and beliefs.  The thought could be as simple as "my shoes are tight," "it shouldn't rain."  Or, it could be more intense, such as "people should love me," or "people should like me," or "I should know."  When you think about it, these thoughts or beliefs are quite unrealistic and untrue.  You can't really control people, much less the weather -- so why should you expect cooperation from them?  One by one, question those thoughts that make you suffer.  Then the real you will emerge from a clear mind.  No more baggage.  You'll know it's the real you because it feels good when you express authentically, and you'll be able to enjoy meditation.  This is happiness.

"Should" Overload

Depression is the result of what I call a SHOULD overload in the brain.  When the mind is overloaded with should statements, the person's system shuts down and the person, thus, can no longer function.

SHOULD statements:
1.  I should be loved.
2.  I should be liked.
3.  I should be successful.
4.  I should have lots of friends.
5.  I should have a man/woman.
6.  I should have more money.
7.  I should look good.
8.  I should be a good person.
9.  I should be perfect.
10. I should do everything right.
11. I should be healthy.
12. ETC.

WHAT TO DO:  Understand the SHOULD statements in your mind by QUESTIONING them one by one.

Is it true that I have to be loved?  Maybe I should love me first before I require others to love me.  Maybe it's not their job to love me.  Why do I need to be loved?  Answer those questions honestly and deeply.  Meditate on the questions.  Write it down.

The Work of Byron Katie has 4 basic questions you can use to do inquiry...best done by writing thoughts and feelings on paper and meditating.

Example:  I SHOULD BE LOVED (by others).

Question 1:  Is it true that YOU SHOULD BE LOVED be others?  yes/no
Question 2:  Are you absolutely sure it is true, that YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  yes/no
Question 3:  How do you react when you believe the thought YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  describe your feelings
Question 4:  Who would you be without the thought YOU SHOULD BE LOVED by others?  imagine that you don't believe the thought

Then turn the statement around to the opposite - I should NOT be loved by others.
then give 3 examples of why that might be true.

Sample of 3 examples of why "I should NOT be loved by others" can be true:
--I should love myself first.
--No one can love perfectly, really.
--Other people might be having difficulties in life that we don't know about.

Do the questioning process for all your should statements so that one by one they will dissolve into thin air.  It will be like a burden is lifted off your shoulders.

Namaste.

Leveraging What You Already Have

In T.D. Jakes' best-selling book Instinct, he talks about heightened awareness of our instinctive pre-wiring.  He says that by changing our inner world we then change our outer world.

Inspired by this book, I made a list of things we already have...our powers, so to speak, that were given to us when we came into this world.  They are:

Reasoning Power
Awareness
Reflection
Thinking
Analysis
Imagination
Expression
Change
Intelligence
Problem-Solving
Creativity
Learning Ability
Growing
Wisdom
Desiring

We were given all these resources or qualities or abilities..., in order that we may negotiate our way through life.  Leverage these resources.  Don't take them foregranted.  They are there at your disposal!

Your Therapist's Style

I have had several therapists since the late 1990s.  I realize now how differently each one of them approached the science of therapy.  Their methods were so far apart.  So get to know, as much as possible, what your therapist's attitude is about therapy.  I had a therapist who hardly spoke back to me.  I realized now that she believed, as I did then, that therapy was just a means to "express" your thoughts and feelings...a way to unload.  On rare occasions, when she felt compelled, she would say something back to me.  I also had a therapist who would act up if I would complain about being depressed.  At first, I thought it was odd and unfair.  I noticed that she was happy when we were just chatting about books or family events.  I realize now that it was her way of helping me get "socialized,"  -- learning how to "chat" with people.  And she never wanted me to focus on the negative, so she kind of kicked my ass when I would start to whine.  It seemed cruel, but I get her point now.  My current therapist is a trauma specialist, so I make sure I take advantage of that fact.  I understand how she usually connects my worries today with my childhood "traumas," and I learn so much from that perspective.  Therapy only works if you know how to take advantage of your sessions.  Know what makes your therapist tic!

Therapy Works from Both Sides of the Coin

Therapy works well if you consider both sides.  It's not just about your story, but the story of the person you are in a relationship with.  If you complain about someone, whether it's a family member, a friend, or a colleague, or even a stranger, you obviously will tell your side of the story.  But the therapist can help you better, if you also give the other person's side of the story.  In most cases, people hurt other people, not on purpose, but because 1) that's the only communication style they know, 2) they misunderstood you, 3) they don't trust other people's intentions, 4) they're very sensitive, etc.  I know people who are very direct when they speak.  They may sound stern and insensitive, but they just don't want to sugarcoat things.  There are also others who always think they are being manipulated.  So they take offense easily with any small thing.  And there are those who are victims of their own upbringing.  They act that way with everybody, so you cannot take them personally.  All this have to be considered by the therapist, so the therapist can make a truth-based analysis of your situation.  If you don't consider the human condition of others, you may be hurting for no good reason.  Help the therapist help you by giving both sides of the story.  For example, if you talk to your therapist about your mother, how she neglected you...don't forget to tell her that she bought you a car when you needed one.

Unemployment and Thinking Outside the Box

If you find yourself unemployed these days, look at it as an opportunity to think outside the box.  All our working lives, we live as slaves of the corporation.  We're afraid of being fired, or we get disgruntled because we are paid so little.  So if you are unemployed right now, rejoice!  It forces you to think outside the box.  Give up the old ways of thinking.  Look around you, observe, brainstorm about ways to make money.  Evaluate your budget.  Do you really need so much money?  If you don't have the latest gadget, are you afraid you will be rejected by your peers?  Are you free?  A lot of our fears are fears of rejection that put us in a box.  Break out of that box.  Think of all the fears that keep you inside the box.  Break out of the box!  Society can reject you for being different or poor, but you can bear it.  In exchange for that rejection is your freedom.  Are you afraid of being homeless?  Are you afraid of begging?  When I lost my job, I felt like my life was over.  I felt like I lost my identity, because my job gave me my self-worth.  But I learned to budget and penny pinch.  I discovered a new joy from being with very little money, but I have my mind for thinking and my heart for creativity. I began to notice my surroundings.  I used to ignore the trees and the flowers.  I used to ignore how much money I already had, compared to nothing.  And I discovered that there's no such thing as nothing.  There is everything in my life...I just didn't focus on them because my mind was focused on my lack.  I was always thinking that I lacked this, I lacked that.  And I ignored what I already had, and how much worth it had.  I found enjoyment from a simple sandwich for lunch...two slices of whole wheat bread and cheese, but being in peace.  I found enjoyment in just sitting outside with a cup of coffee and being with my thoughts.  I began to understand where I invested my time and effort.  My values changed.  I learned to value the "small" things in life.  Now, I value being able to wake up in the morning.  I value my intelligence and creativity because I can discover how to live an authentic life, instead of life in a box.

Where is the Real You?

We always want to know what the trend is, so we are not left behind.  Society tells us that our only purpose is to win and be successful, according to the norm.  Oftentimes, we confuse what society wants with what we want for ourselves.  We're afraid to not be like the others.  We cannot find our own voice in the midst of all the other voices -- our teachers', our friends', our parents', our colleagues', the media's, etc.  T.D. Jakes tells us to follow our gut in order to be connected to our true self.  Eckhart Tolle tells us to learn to be conscious at all times.  Byron Katie teaches us to question our thinking.  These are many ways that can help us find the real you, so that you can feel at ease, so you are living an authentic life.  Living an authentic life brings so much peace and happiness and limitless joy.  The real you is there, at your core, in your center.  Find it and discover that everything you really want, you already have.  It's not out there, it's in here.  Don't be afraid of being with your self.  Your self is your true guide.  You will find God there.

The Subconscious

My premise is that there's a place down deep inside where we know everything we need to know about life.  Whatever we're looking for is inside us.  We just need to unlock the door to our inner self, tune in to our inner voice, and access our subconscious.  Our goal is to find that inner guide, to get in touch with that deep part of ourselves that knows everything.

The way to tap into the subconscious is to be aware of your mental pain or sense of "unease."  Go to every nook and cranny of your subconscious.  Every time you feel mental pain or unease, stop for a moment and pay attention to the feelings and thoughts.  Get to know what is making you suffer, what is bothering you, no matter how subtle the feeling.  Use your pain as a source of information. Everything and anything you feel, think or believe is information.  Knowledge is power.  Who knows you better than any other person on earth?  The answer is:  you.  You are the experiencer.  You only need to trust yourself and connect with your inner self.

Some common subconscious beliefs are:
-I'm not good enough
-Nobody loves me
-Life is difficult
-I need to be loved

I used to have these thoughts that always made me feel uncomfortable, separate from others, like an outsider.  But eventually, I realized that I was holding on to these beliefs without questioning their validity.  I realized that those negative beliefs were absolutely not true.  I only believed them because I believed the stories from the news, from TV, from movies, from magazines.  Of course I don't need to be good enough for others.  And once I stopped believing those thoughts, I found out that life was easy, not difficult.

Once the subconscious is unlocked, cravings will go away, aches and pains will disappear, our health will be better and we will feel an "easing up" and a sense of clarity in our thoughts, and lightheartedness.  We may even have visions.  It will be easy to let go and we can desire with ease.

Being Authentic

Being authentic can be hard for some of us, because the voice of the inner critic is so strong, telling you that others are better than you.  When you look up to someone because he or she looks so "together," what happens to your authenticity?  These are some reactions that we have when we think others are better than us:
We copy other people's ways, cultures, standards (we lack originality)
We're too hard on ourselves (perfectionistic)
We don't allow ourselves to make mistakes
We always feel that others are judging us -- being too self-conscious
We compare ourselves to others, always
We don't allow ourselves to be different, therefore, creativity is stifled
We have to prove to others that we are good (needing validation)
We need to feel important, in order to measure up
We cannot explore or expand, for fear of ridicule
We fear exclusion
We cannot fail, for fear of rejection
We need the approval of others, to know we're right

If you want to be authentic, notice how you feel.  Stop every now and then and notice.  If you don't feel good, stop.  Identify the feeling.  Ask questions.  Clarify.

Be aware of the moment.  Do this throughout the day.  Feel the experience.  What's good about it, what's bad about it?  What blessings are you receiving right now?  Identify your feelings and desires at the moment.

Awareness will guide you and point you to the solutions.  Connect with your inner being and notice how slowly but surely, you are becoming aware of who you really are.