5 Ways To Be Just Yourself

1.  Think this:  You are good at your core.

2.  Find out who you really are, the one who does not need the audience, the one who loves cartoons, the one who like vanilla ice-cream, etc.

3.  Love yourself unconditionally, because there is nothing wrong with you at the core.

4.  Be independent.  The more independent you are, the more meaningful your relationships will be.

5.  Do a reality check.  Are they rejecting your core, or are they rejecting the pretend you?

Relationships and Jobs: Dealing with Heartbreak and Loss

To lose someone, such as a partner for example, or something such as a job for example, can be a very painful experience, mentally and emotionally.  You may even break down completely.  But fear not, I've learned that this is just life's way of waking us up.  This loss or break-up is actually an opportunity -- to understand life and ourselves on a deeper level, consciously.  We will go very deep and so some core work is required.  Because the truth is that we are okay at the core.  There is nothing wrong with us at the core.  Loss and heartbreak are actually important turning points for us, if we can only believe it.  The bottom line is that you are feeling very bad about your Self.  In these moments of hurting, we can begin to take inventory of the thoughts we have about our Self.  What are those thoughts?  How do you see yourself in the moment of loss and heartbreak?  Write it down, and begin questioning.  Ask your Self, the one who is the Knower in you:  Is it true, this thought?  Do I have proof?  Could it be that I am just confused...looking for a reason for the loss?  If you never really felt that good about yourself in the first place, chances are you will start pointing the finger at yourself or others.  Because you don't like yourself in the first place, with or without the person or thing.  That's evidence.

So ask yourself:  Who are you at the core?  How do you feel about your Self, at the core?  Once you become aware of this person in you, the one who likes ice-cream, for example, you will automatically fall in love with your Self.  Your true Self is the one that is independent and integral, not dependent on the outside for fulfillment, validation, and completion.  There is The Work of Byron Katie that uses inquiry to clear the mind.  According to Byron Katie, it is possible to end suffering by questioning every untrue belief that you are believing.  Some beliefs are obvious.  So you can easily question them.  But some are deep in the subconscious.  That requires a lot more detective work.  But once you find clues to your deep seated beliefs, you are on your way to handcuffing the culprits...those beliefs.  You can work on them, question them, and then you can be finally free of their power over you.  Because you will discover, when doing inquiry, that even the smallest thought, like "my shoes are too tight" or "I don't like rain because it's messy" are not absolutely true when you do this reality check.

If you know your Self very well, it will be intact, still independent -- after the loss.  You can move on easily and heal.  Without an independent Self, the Self can shatter or detach when overwhelmed by heartbreak or loss.  This break-up or loss can send you reeling from the pain and isolation over and over, non-stop.  But you can dive into the deepest part of your soul and find that part of you that was lost or never recognized or shattered or detached.  It's time to address this Self.  By questioning your negative beliefs -- such as "I am not good enough," "Life is hard," "I need someone to complete me," etc. -- you can have breathing space, plan your next move, make contact with your inner world...  because it is about your existence in a place deep inside.

If you don't know what's bothering you deep inside, the mind will continue to cause pain and suffering.  And you will carry those same negative thoughts to your next relationship or work, or experience  -- because you didn't do the work.  This does require some amount of work and time.  It doesn't happen overnight, but the outcome will be lasting and permanent.  Life will change dramatically, and you will be pleased beyond belief.

Life will always give us opportunities to go deeper -- to become conscious and awake.  That is how we can truly experience the real beauty of life.  You can awaken to your essence and make all your relationships and work meaningful and rewarding.  This requires all of us to take a good look at how we see ourselves and the world and how we make assumptions about us, our lives, and our experiences.

Byron Katie said:  "It's not what happens that causes us suffering.  It's our thoughts about what happens that causes suffering."

Assimilating or Differentiating?

Others look successful, happier.  You feel bad about yourself.  That's human nature.  We are vulnerable to the people, places and sounds in our environment.  We respond emotionally.  That's just human nature.  The vulnerability is there if we don't have a strong sense of Self.  I don't mean being defiant or militant.  I mean knowing deep inside you that you love You.  I mean being deeply connected to the Knower in you.  I mean relying on your own knowing.  I mean letting your Inner Child loose to play, roam around, and be fascinated, instead of being vulnerable to the visuals and the sounds, touch and smell of society.

When you wish to assimilate in society, understand what you are giving up of your Self, and the extent of it.    Don't renounce your Free Spirit in order to function effectively in the so called culture that is prevailing.  Celebrate originality.  Don't you feel better when you have your back?  But there is something to be said about blending in.  It's good to be on the same page for the sake of communication and understanding.  And some discretion may be required to avoid conflagrations and violence...if it's worth it.  

You don't feel good about yourself if somebody doesn't love you, because the Self is vulnerable when you don't nurture it.  It's like having a relationship.  The Self gets stronger when you get to know it and pay attention to it.  The bond becomes stronger and you are able to flex the Self.  Likewise, if somebody likes you, you are vulnerable too, because you are depending on society's love and respect...instead of relying on your Self-love and Self-respect.  Society is about depending on the external. That's the way it is right now.  That's why we suffer.

Don't you feel better when you have your back?  When you can rely on yourself during good times and tough times?  When you are accosted, show compassion and understanding.  But I don't need to even say that because the Self is compassion and love.  I'll end with that thought...Love.

Let There Be Light!

The miracle that happens when life begins in the womb is always with you.  That miracle is in you for so long as you live.  The miracle that teaches a child to walk and to talk is always there for you to tap into.  All you need to do is be aware of this miraculous power or energy, and use it to your satisfaction to realize your vision for yourself.  This is where your power lies.  Plug into it.  You just need to do some work -- peeling the layers of negative beliefs -- and it will reveal itself to you.   It's called the Self, the Core, the Source, the Inner Child.

You cannot feel like a victim or feel powerless if you are guided by your Inner Child.  You are connected to it, to the Source of life inside you, by virtue of the fact that you are alive on this planet.  Be connected! then shine your light on yourself, on others, and on the world.  Let there be light!  Let there be life!

The Self Has No Color

Little children, by nature, are fearless creatures.  They are not afraid to swing on the monkey bars or just talk to another boy or girl who just happened to be there. But as they grow up and assimilate in society, they lose that sense of fearlessness.  They start believing in the crowd instead of their true selves.  There are many ways that this child in us can get lost.  Severe trauma, heartbreak, rejection, hardship, abuse, neglect, domination are some of the reasons we lose our sense of security and we start to doubt our sense of judgement.  As a consequence, we start separating ourselves.  We act like strangers in this world, while everybody else seems like they are on the same page.  That's what we perceive.  We start finding it hard to connect internally and outwardly, and then many of us find ourselves trying hard to fit in, looking for that one person who will love us -- as if it were our only salvation.

As adults, we start to look for reasons why we cannot assimilate.  Is it because of the color of my skin?  Is it my accent?  Is it my height?  Is it the way I speak?  Is it the way I dress?  Is it the kind of job I have?  Is it the size of my house?  Is it the kind of car I drive?  Is it my culture?  Is it my education?  Is it how much money I have or don't have?  Is it about what I want to do?

My job as a life coach is to help you find that lost child, which I call the Self.  You can go back internally and work little by little to recover your equilibrium and bearing and give life to this inner Self again...the Self that has no color or shape.  This Self is your source of dignity and pride.  It exists inside you and is your connection to your Source and is Love.  This is the Self that knows what flavor of ice-cream you love the best!

Can Society Make You Happy?

It's so tempting to want to be accepted, especially by someone you admire or look up to, like a beautiful person or a person with an important job or someone who you think is tres cool.  I notice that when I feel this way, I don't like myself.  I see myself as inferior and I want to think of ways to make myself more attractive to others.  I wish I had a nice job so others will be impressed and look at me with approval and find me worthy of their company.  I think of ways to improve myself because I have to be good.

I have a cousin who is tall and smart and sort of an elite.  When she is nice to me, I feel fantastic.  So I ask myself...why can't I feel fantastic anyway, with or without her approval.  I guess that deep down I must be believing that I'm not good enough unless she pays attention to me even for just one minute.  So I dress a certain way and talk a certain way.  This gives me status, which I prize so much I guess, because I see how important those people are, in a class of their own.  And that's what I want for myself, if I have to admit it, because I think that that would make me finally a happy person.

Life, though, is difficult from that perspective, which is that I'm not good enough just by being my ordinary self, flawed at that because that's what human beings are.  The struggle for me is to know deeply that I am a good person, and that I'm good enough no matter what.  And anyone who does not love me is just mistaken.  That's okay too, because people are simply imperfect human beings.  I don't need to be wealthy and beautiful and smart to be a good person.  There are no requirements except that I've been born.

I know it's hard to be our own person because we want to be accepted by society.  Who wants to be an outcast?  Not me.  But when I really think about it, it is better for me to be alone if that's the price I pay to be just myself...no strings attached.  Reality is always better than the ideal.  If you strive for the ideal, you will get depressed.  It's better to be just you because you can never be like another person.  We're all different no matter how hard we try to be like someone else.

Being "Good"

There is no requirement for being "good" or a "good person."  It's only required that you are a breathing, living human being, that you have life, that you are God's creation.  You don't have to look a certain way or speak this way or that way.  You don't have to do so many things to make your life worth living.  Your mere existence is good enough for life.  You don't have to prove you did good.  You don't have to redeem yourself in this world.  Your only job, if there is any, is to realize your worth and your value simply because you are a person.  This is your birthright.  What other people think about you is their business.  Your business is your Self.

You don't need to be wealthy or fashionable just to feel good about yourself.  The reason we have to occupy ourselves with projects, events, activities, work, recreation is because we want to feel good about ourselves.  We want to accomplish, succeed, solve problems, because we feel worthless-- that's the problem.  Bad experiences cause us conclude that we are not liked, not welcomed, not good enough.  We erect monuments and fly to the moon so we can feel great about ourselves.

Until we feel worthy of our existence, just by being born, then nothing we do or have will give us lasting contentment.  Once we realize our value and worth as human beings, then we can live according to what we like, what we are passionate about.  We can trust our decisions and our judgements.  We can do this because there is no pain and suffering.  Then we can truly follow our hearts, listen to that voice within and live an authentic lives.

You shouldn't be doing things just to make yourself feel good about yourself.  Because you already are good no matter what, that's what I'm trying to say.  Even if you think your mother doesn't love you, you are still goooood.