Are Others Better Than You?

Are you comfortable always measuring up to "better than" standards?  For example:  If you don't feel beautiful or smart, like others, what would the consequences be for you?  We are always overcompensating.

We learned in childhood, and even later on into adulthood, the notion of "better than" -- that other groups or people or cultures or other ways are "better."

"Better than" groups are exclusive.  Some examples are:  Aristocracy, Executives (glass ceiling, bamboo ceiling), royalty, expensive neighborhoods, elite schools, religions.

People define "better than" categories based on:  economic status, beauty standards, job titles, age, sexual orientation, religion, race.

What was your experience with the notion of "better than?" -- when you thought others were better, or they thought you were not as good as them.  Look at your own situation and examine your beliefs around this concept.  This way, it will become clear to you that being better is not that important to you after all, because in reality, there is no one person or thing that is really better than you.  The truth is you just want to be yourself.

When You Assume

Assumptions come from our interpretation of our experiences, our surroundings and what we learn from others.  Assumptions become our beliefs that we then internalize.

If you don't feel good about yourself, what do you assume about the world?  Or, what is your belief about life?

Beliefs can be very subjective -- meaning that they are not absolute truths, but are based on your emotions, interpretations, perceptions, and even biases.

Assumptions or beliefs are very powerful because many times they are in the unconscious and are invisible.  They are difficult to identify and see, and yet they determine the extent of our goals and dreams, actions and behaviors.

As we form our assumptions and beliefs, we tend to generalize and magnify.  So for example, if your boyfriend breaks up with you, you start believing that there's something very wrong with you, that life is unfair, that relationships are scary, and that all men are the same.  Your opinion of relationships and men become negative.  So you start making assumptions based on your feelings.

What if you assume that there is something very wrong with you?  That would certainly limit you in many ways.  Are you basing your assumption on how others see you?  We only grow by learning from our experiences.  Without experiences, we become stunted.  And the idea is that the next time, we will know more and have a better experience.

When you experience something bad, like a break-up or loss of employment or an insult, notice the things that you quietly say to yourself.  You make assumptions:  "I am doomed," "I can't go on," "I'm no good," etc.  Ask yourself if those statements are really true and what is the evidence?  Intellectually, we know that they are not true, but we become emotional and start generalizing and magnifying.

Get to know your negative assumptions about life, people, and situations.  Question them.  Are they true?  Most likely, they are are not abolutely true.

Low Self Esteem: Self-Assessment

There are many negative feelings and thoughts associated with low self-esteem.  Some of them are the following:
-Afraid to express ideas and opinion
-Not believing in self and abilities
-Not wanting to test abilities, ideas
-Thinking scarcity
-Avoidance, Retreat, Hiding
-Feeling weak
-Cannot take rejection

If you jot down some of your criticisms about yourself, you will be able to analyze and reflect on them.  Ask yourself this question:  What then?

If you're afraid to express your ideas and opinions, what happens?  Some answers to this particular question could be:
-I will not be able to participate fully.
-I will not be able to express myself.
-My feelings will be bottled up inside.
-I will not be able to grow.
-I will feel bad about myself.
If you don't believe in your self and your abilities, what will happen?
-You'll be bored.
-You'll feel stuck.
-You cannot test your abilities.
-You will not find out the truth.

You can see how your behavior is driven by negative feelings and thoughts that can affect the quality of your life, and can lead to depression.
Try this exercise.  Listen to the voice of your inner critic.  What is it saying about yourself?  It's a good way to get to know yourself.  Self-knowledge is the way to freedom.  Take your time, relax and get paper and pencil and start writing.

The Seeds of Depression

It seems that one day, all of a sudden, I was depressed -- as if depression came overnight...because my boyfriend broke up with me, or I lost my job, or I have a serious illness.  But in hindsight, the depression didn't really happen so suddenly like that.  The seeds of depression were sown in my mind in previous years, maybe since I was a young girl.  And the path to healing was through self-knowledge.  Basically, I asked myself so many questions about myself, as if I were being interviewed on TV.  I was mostly interested in two things:
1) My perceptions about people and events, and life in general.  How did I form these perceptions? Well, for example, as a young girl, I would visit my aunt's house to watch TV or just be with people.  My father didn't believe in TV's and appliances.  The house was bare and there was no paint.  Whereas my aunt's house was painted and I saw many colors in the living room, which was richly decorated with miniature ships and Japanese dolls.  And they had a sofa that was green.  My father was an alcoholic and my mother was absent because she went to America to get a job as a teacher, and my sister was away in boarding school.  So there were many times when I was alone with only my thoughts and my imagination to keep me company.  The perceptions began to formulate in my mind, such as:  I'm poor, they're better than me, nobody loves me, and paint is better than no paint.  Those perceptions grew stronger and stronger until they became permanent, like beliefs -- no matter that they weren't really true.  I just felt that way:  not important because we don't have a TV.  I started imagining that I was on my death bed and how sorry people were for neglecting me. These are just examples of how I formed perceptions in my head that became the "truth" for me.  Can you imagine what other sorts of perceptions I had in my head from watching the images on the television set?
I also looked into...
2) my self-image.  Because I thought my cousins were rich and I was poor, I felt that I was inferior.  And I started to weave a story of how sad my life was and I even made sure I knew my place in society so I won't be hated.  I thought I wasn't supposed to speak.  Or that I had to be smart to get even.  Or that I wasn't attractive.  The self-image of a powerless, unlovable, victim started to form.  And I went through life thinking this was who I was.  And I thought to myself:  Of course, I'm not lovable, that's why people don't like me! I couldn't think otherwise.

But today, the perceptions and the self-image I grew up with have been questioned.  I questioned relentlessly my beliefs.  Is it true that I am inferior to others?  Is it true that others are better?  Is it true that I am a victim?  Is it true that life is hard?  Is it true that nobody loves me?  And then I asked again:  Is it absolutely true?  Of course, the answer was No.  Nowadays, I'm free of most of those false ideas.  As the cobwebs are swept away from my mind, I can see with crystal clarity, that I am not a victim.  This led the way to healing, and now I can say that for the most part I am not depressed anymore.

There are two authors who taught me about questioning my negative thoughts and being conscious.  They are Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.  Please read any of their books, if you want to try to start unraveling the unconscious and discovering your thoughts that make you suffer.

I can't be happy, unless my nose is perfect, ...

I know people who say:  I can't be happy, unless my mother loves me, unless I find prince charming, unless I have a lot of money, unless my nose is perfect, etc.  This is like putting myself in a box.  So I ask: Why limit happiness to one single thing?  I think that by exploring other things that make us feel good, we can become more healthy emotionally.  Many times, we don't really notice the moments or situations that make us happy, because they are momentary, and because we want to brush it aside so we can focus on that one thing only, which is:  I need to have a promotion, I need to look good, I have to be beautiful, I have to be intelligent, I have to be a snob, I have to be hardworking, I need my nose fixed, etc.  If I suddenly feel good about something, whether it's the perfectly tasting latte, or that great movie, or that cool air that was suddenly refreshing -- I want to stop for a moment or for a whole day and think how good that felt.  It was only a latte, only a movie, only cool air, but it made me feel good and woke me up from thinking.  Feel how something so "insignificant" in your life, had the power to make you stop and forget your troubles.  It's those moments that I want to explore and look for and think about, because they're just right outside my doorstep.

Too young to realize...that I should have brought you flowers

I love this Bruno Mars song.  It inspired me to talk about it, thinking about the period in my life when I didn't realize much.  I have the tendency to beat myself up for not knowing any better.  I spend hours and days doing this, as if it were just a matter of forgetfulness or not paying attention.  But in reality, there are periods in our lives when we really don't know any better, for so many reasons.  No matter how hard we try to figure things out, the doors to our mind and heart are closed.  As a teenager and even when I was 40 years old, I was literally "clueless."  I just did what my parents told me to do or I just copied what my older sister did.  I was not awake.  I was like sleep-walking throughout my younger life.  It never occurred to me that I could direct my life on my own, as an adult.  But life eventually wakes you up from your slumber.  One time, I heard my boss tell this young woman:  "I could see yourself as a successful woman in corporate America someday."  For some reason, that woke me up.  So I decided that I would work in a corporation, and see what the big deal was all about.  I got really psyched.  Of course, no matter how misdirected the thought may have been, it opened my eyes to something different in life.  There were signs of life in me.  The pot was being stirred.

What I learned from this Bruno Mars song is this: don't cry over spilled milk.

Liking Your Voice

I would wait patiently, until I heard that distinct voice that was uniquely mine, that came from my heart.  I started learning not to judge, to just notice it.  I watched how my work started to change in a nice way.  When I write now, I notice how the sentences sparkle and shine -- at least for me.  I learned to love my voice, and nurture it.  Each of us has his or her own distinct voice.  Allow that distinct voice to dominate.  That's who you are.  That is the "I am."  Experiment with your voice.  Suspend judgement.  Then sit back and let your work dazzle you.  In the end, I fell in love with my voice -- for now my writer's voice.  I want to be with it.  I want to get to know it better and completely.  That is true self-love.  It takes courage to validate your true self; but it's the only way to discover how beautiful we all are in our hearts.

First, you have to find it -- your voice.  You can do this when you're working.  As you go about your work, notice that voice that is distinctly your own.  Notice the quality -- there are many.  Maybe it's a doubting voice, or a curious voice, or a questioning voice.  For me, I grew to like the doubting voice; I use it in my writing.  But there's that critical voice, which I don't like because it makes me think of other people's work.  Then I would compare.  Is my work "as good" as his or her work?  This is how my voice wanders around in my work.  The voice is actually very interesting.  If you observe how it forms the work, how the shape changes, how the colors shimmer, it likes to accuse or emphasize certain parts.  So get to know your voice, find it, and then be friends with it.  You can apply the process of finding your voice when doing any kind of work or in any situation.