The Seeds of Depression

It seems that one day, all of a sudden, I was depressed -- as if depression came overnight...because my boyfriend broke up with me, or I lost my job, or I have a serious illness.  But in hindsight, the depression didn't really happen so suddenly like that.  The seeds of depression were sown in my mind in previous years, maybe since I was a young girl.  And the path to healing was through self-knowledge.  Basically, I asked myself so many questions about myself, as if I were being interviewed on TV.  I was mostly interested in two things:
1) My perceptions about people and events, and life in general.  How did I form these perceptions? Well, for example, as a young girl, I would visit my aunt's house to watch TV or just be with people.  My father didn't believe in TV's and appliances.  The house was bare and there was no paint.  Whereas my aunt's house was painted and I saw many colors in the living room, which was richly decorated with miniature ships and Japanese dolls.  And they had a sofa that was green.  My father was an alcoholic and my mother was absent because she went to America to get a job as a teacher, and my sister was away in boarding school.  So there were many times when I was alone with only my thoughts and my imagination to keep me company.  The perceptions began to formulate in my mind, such as:  I'm poor, they're better than me, nobody loves me, and paint is better than no paint.  Those perceptions grew stronger and stronger until they became permanent, like beliefs -- no matter that they weren't really true.  I just felt that way:  not important because we don't have a TV.  I started imagining that I was on my death bed and how sorry people were for neglecting me. These are just examples of how I formed perceptions in my head that became the "truth" for me.  Can you imagine what other sorts of perceptions I had in my head from watching the images on the television set?
I also looked into...
2) my self-image.  Because I thought my cousins were rich and I was poor, I felt that I was inferior.  And I started to weave a story of how sad my life was and I even made sure I knew my place in society so I won't be hated.  I thought I wasn't supposed to speak.  Or that I had to be smart to get even.  Or that I wasn't attractive.  The self-image of a powerless, unlovable, victim started to form.  And I went through life thinking this was who I was.  And I thought to myself:  Of course, I'm not lovable, that's why people don't like me! I couldn't think otherwise.

But today, the perceptions and the self-image I grew up with have been questioned.  I questioned relentlessly my beliefs.  Is it true that I am inferior to others?  Is it true that others are better?  Is it true that I am a victim?  Is it true that life is hard?  Is it true that nobody loves me?  And then I asked again:  Is it absolutely true?  Of course, the answer was No.  Nowadays, I'm free of most of those false ideas.  As the cobwebs are swept away from my mind, I can see with crystal clarity, that I am not a victim.  This led the way to healing, and now I can say that for the most part I am not depressed anymore.

There are two authors who taught me about questioning my negative thoughts and being conscious.  They are Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.  Please read any of their books, if you want to try to start unraveling the unconscious and discovering your thoughts that make you suffer.

I can't be happy, unless my nose is perfect, ...

I know people who say:  I can't be happy, unless my mother loves me, unless I find prince charming, unless I have a lot of money, unless my nose is perfect, etc.  This is like putting myself in a box.  So I ask: Why limit happiness to one single thing?  I think that by exploring other things that make us feel good, we can become more healthy emotionally.  Many times, we don't really notice the moments or situations that make us happy, because they are momentary, and because we want to brush it aside so we can focus on that one thing only, which is:  I need to have a promotion, I need to look good, I have to be beautiful, I have to be intelligent, I have to be a snob, I have to be hardworking, I need my nose fixed, etc.  If I suddenly feel good about something, whether it's the perfectly tasting latte, or that great movie, or that cool air that was suddenly refreshing -- I want to stop for a moment or for a whole day and think how good that felt.  It was only a latte, only a movie, only cool air, but it made me feel good and woke me up from thinking.  Feel how something so "insignificant" in your life, had the power to make you stop and forget your troubles.  It's those moments that I want to explore and look for and think about, because they're just right outside my doorstep.

Too young to realize...that I should have brought you flowers

I love this Bruno Mars song.  It inspired me to talk about it, thinking about the period in my life when I didn't realize much.  I have the tendency to beat myself up for not knowing any better.  I spend hours and days doing this, as if it were just a matter of forgetfulness or not paying attention.  But in reality, there are periods in our lives when we really don't know any better, for so many reasons.  No matter how hard we try to figure things out, the doors to our mind and heart are closed.  As a teenager and even when I was 40 years old, I was literally "clueless."  I just did what my parents told me to do or I just copied what my older sister did.  I was not awake.  I was like sleep-walking throughout my younger life.  It never occurred to me that I could direct my life on my own, as an adult.  But life eventually wakes you up from your slumber.  One time, I heard my boss tell this young woman:  "I could see yourself as a successful woman in corporate America someday."  For some reason, that woke me up.  So I decided that I would work in a corporation, and see what the big deal was all about.  I got really psyched.  Of course, no matter how misdirected the thought may have been, it opened my eyes to something different in life.  There were signs of life in me.  The pot was being stirred.

What I learned from this Bruno Mars song is this: don't cry over spilled milk.

Liking Your Voice

I would wait patiently, until I heard that distinct voice that was uniquely mine, that came from my heart.  I started learning not to judge, to just notice it.  I watched how my work started to change in a nice way.  When I write now, I notice how the sentences sparkle and shine -- at least for me.  I learned to love my voice, and nurture it.  Each of us has his or her own distinct voice.  Allow that distinct voice to dominate.  That's who you are.  That is the "I am."  Experiment with your voice.  Suspend judgement.  Then sit back and let your work dazzle you.  In the end, I fell in love with my voice -- for now my writer's voice.  I want to be with it.  I want to get to know it better and completely.  That is true self-love.  It takes courage to validate your true self; but it's the only way to discover how beautiful we all are in our hearts.

First, you have to find it -- your voice.  You can do this when you're working.  As you go about your work, notice that voice that is distinctly your own.  Notice the quality -- there are many.  Maybe it's a doubting voice, or a curious voice, or a questioning voice.  For me, I grew to like the doubting voice; I use it in my writing.  But there's that critical voice, which I don't like because it makes me think of other people's work.  Then I would compare.  Is my work "as good" as his or her work?  This is how my voice wanders around in my work.  The voice is actually very interesting.  If you observe how it forms the work, how the shape changes, how the colors shimmer, it likes to accuse or emphasize certain parts.  So get to know your voice, find it, and then be friends with it.  You can apply the process of finding your voice when doing any kind of work or in any situation.

What's True and What's Not True?

I learned to believe certain things about myself by listening to my parents, by looking at glamorous women in magazines, by looking up to my sister, by idolizing my teachers, in awe of other people and different surroundings.  I based my self-worth on how other people treated me, good or bad.  Because I was always looking for someone else to love me, and because I was always looking at the outside world, I started believing I wasn't good enough, or I wasn't pretty enough, or that other people were luckier than me.  Those were the things I believed in.  I thought they were the truth.  But now I ask myself:  is it true?  Is it true that I'm not good enough?  I set up such high standards for myself, wanting to do everything the right way, not allowing my own ideas to flow, trying to fit in with other people's standards.  Instead I let other people rule me.  Is it true that other people are luckier?  It seems that way on the outside.  But who knows how it is on the inside.  How do you look at life in general? And how you view other people's lives?  Make a list.  For example, "she's beautiful, so she must be lucky in love."  Or "he's rich so he's happier than me."  Or "life is difficult, always."   Then ask yourself if the belief is true.  I learned the art of questioning my thinking from The Work of Byron Katie.  She uses four basic questions when doing inquiry about a belief:
1.  Is it true?
2.  Is it absolutely true?
3.  How do you react when you believe the thought/belief?
4.  Who would you be without the thought/belief?
When you're done with this exercise, separate what's true from what's not true, after you have re-evaluated.  Then look at the picture that emerges.  This will help allow your ideas to flow which will bring you to another dimension.  To get better acquainted with this type of inquiry, go to thework.com.

Are You Setting Yourself Up for Depression?

The first glimpses of life at an early stage actually became the truths I held on to throughout my adult years. My vision of life grew out of that child's eyes and mind.  When I got depressed , chances are that I can look back to my childhood and find the connection.  I thought I wasn't treated right by my family, friends, teachers, society -- back then -- so my view of people, in general, became warped. That is how we sow the seeds of depression.  The negative beliefs have collected in the brain, latent but simmering, ready to explode when the bubble bursts.

But can we still blame others for our depression once we've become adults?  Yes, it seems so much easier to blame someone else rather than moving on actively to find that place where we can find peace.  We focus on how to get justice and how to prove them wrong.  But the reality is, only I can get myself out of the hole, not someone else.

As an adult, I become at some point the creator of my life.  It's hard to believe that I truly have a choice.  And controlling the situation seems very frustrating.  But it's not really about control.  Rather, it is about my ability to turn to my own self for the love I'm always looking for.  Because the truth is:  I am quite good at loving people.

Filling our hearts with sadness, anger, hate and blame is quite a big set up for failure.  As humans, we are creators, after all.  I started creating imaginary walls, creating enemies, creating hiding places in my life, creating limitations, creating separations; and in the process, denying myself all those good feelings that come with good thoughts, good experiences, a good life.  To me, life had to be a certain way...very far from reality.  The mental pain came from forcing the issue.  Life had to be a specific way.  Otherwise, it was "not" a worthy life.  I started creating stories in my head about other people, about me, about life, that made me feel stuck.  Finally, I put myself in a corner and the result was shut-down.  In other words, depression.

Independent Mind

My mantra these days is "Independent Mind."  Of course no one can be totally independent of others, but I strive to be independent-minded as much as I can.  What I mean by that is I focus on my own rather on other people's ideas and opinions and way of doing things.  I realized, when first I stumbled upon my independent mind, how much easier it was to be.  Growing up in Filipino culture, class consciousness was the norm, so that people treated you nice or not depending on what they thought your class were.  I started interpreting this class distinction as the bible for how I should be:  I should wear nice clothes, I should be wealthy, I should look good, I should be intelligent, I should have a nice house, I should be a good girl, etc.  I wanted people to treat me a certain way, so I surrendered to the rules of society, that's what happened.  These days, I'm mindful of how I react to what I see or hear outside of my self.  Having an independent mind allows me to prosper from my inner core.  This way, I connect with people through my authentic self, no matter what my class is.  The more I tune in to the real me, the "I am," the more content I feel,  the more gentle I am with myself, and the more "independent mind" I have.

Reality vs. The Ideal

A lot of times it is really hard to understand reality.  We ask:  why is this happening?  And clearly, the answer is:  because it is happening, it's called reality.  The most common mistake in life is idealizing persons or situations.  Life should be easy.  And yet, life is difficult.  My mother doesn't love me, and yet some mothers cannot love -- that's reality.  So the ideal, such as mothers should love their children, a lot of times does not happen.  But we expect the ideal to happen, so we experience a lot of pain because it doesn't happen.  Why do we keep expecting the ideal, when reality is always different.  Women don't always become good mothers, and yet we perpetuate the belief that all mothers should love their children.  That is why children feel so hurt when the mother is incapable of loving. This causes a lot of mental pain.  We have to believe that not all women know how to parent a child, much less love a child.  And yet we always question the quality of a mother's love.  People, like women, struggle with their limitations in coping with life's many challenges and hurdles.  It is so easy to hate and become confused, angry, disillusioned, dysfunctional, or lost or even unaware of one's own behavior.  People are that way.  So why should women be different just because they bear children?  Reality does not fit this ideal we have invented about a mother's love.  Yes, there are many mothers who love, but there are also many who do not love.  If nobody loves you, you become more independent.  Isn't that good, in a way?  Why do we teach our children to get their self-worth from their mothers or husbands or wives, instead of loving their own selves and getting love from anyone who really loves them?  Isn't a friend's love good enough?  Is a mother's love superior?  That's why we anguish so much when she is so cold.

Look at the Bright Spot?

I learned something valuable today from someone at a depression meetup I attended.  This is what I learned:  If you have a bright spot in your life right now, in the middle of your depression, focus on it as if it were the only thing that was important in your life.  Focus on it, no matter how insignificant it may seem.  It could be a dance class that you attend once a week, or your pet puppy that keeps you on your toes.  Whatever that bright spot is, value it with all your heart.  It may seem useless to others, but it doesn't matter, because you know how it makes you feel.  Once you start paying more attention to that bright spot, you'll remember it more, and that bright spot will grow brighter and brighter, bigger and bigger.  For someone else, she said she likes watching documentaries about crimes, because it makes her feel that she's not the only one who has a twisted life experience.  For some people, that would sound weird and something you wouldn't recommend.  But don't judge that bright spot.  It comes in all shapes and sizes.